April 26, 2013

How You Know You’re Going To Die Alone

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What is the issue?

The thought of being single forever doesn’t distress me the way it did when I was 21 – in fact, sometimes when a guy is stressing me out I actually think, “Don’t worry, if you want you can be alone after this! And you can totally get a burrito too!” What does upset me is the thought of dying alone, if for nothing more than having someone to say some dramatic parting words to on my deathbed, or to haunt afterwards, should I come back as a ghost. So I guess in the end it would be better not to die alone, simply because I feel like it would be a lot of fun to fuck with someone I’ve loved after I’m dead. And if they truly loved me too, they would think my fucking with them from beyond the grave was characteristically adorable. I’ve started getting the strong sense however, that maybe I will die alone. And maybe you will too. Here’s how I/you can tell.

You Have Allergies/h3>
Right now I am hocking up spit balls, swallowing them back down, sniffing, sneezing, and one of my eyes is half closed over like the Hunchback of Notre Dame from my allergies. It doesn’t exactly scream “Get at me, potential life partner!”

You Treat Your Cat Like A Human Baby

This goes for any animal. If your bed is covered in so much pet hair it has matted together and doubles as a quilt, you’re fucked. You are literally going to die alone, and when they find you, two weeks later, your pet will have eaten your face. My cat has actually started sitting on the couch on his butt, legs stretched out in front of him and back straight, like a human, so I’ve reached the point of no return. SAVE YOURSELVES.

You Hate Everyone

Do you leave the house and huff and sigh when people are moving too slowly in front of you? Do you spend more time in stores avidly avoiding sales staff than actually shopping? Have you started ordering everything you need online simply because you don’t want to deal with other humans in the real world? Would you rather eat live worms than go to a crowded bar where people you don’t know will most likely approach and attempt to speak to you? If you answered yes to any of the above we should be friends; we could shake our fists at things for the next 40 odd years and die together, just so.

You Think Nick Miller Is Sexy

If you hate everyone, chances are you think Nick Miller (Jake Johnson’s character on New Girl) is sexy. Nick might be a “nice guy” underneath it all, but having a boner for dudes with bar jobs and low self esteem does not bode well for future success in love.

You Don’t Share Food

Joey doesn’t share food. Joey is alone forever.

But You Think It’s Totally OK To Eat Crotch Burrito

Crotch burrito is burrito that falls out of the tortilla and into your crotch. The same goes for tit burrito, chair burrito and floor burrito. If you eat dropped food, especially in public, and on dates, this means food is more important to you than company. I hope you and your burrito will be happy together.

Sex Just Seems Like A Lot Of Effort

I once texted a guy who was a “sure thing” for a drink when I was feeling horny and needy of affection, but by the time actually meeting for the drink rolled around, the thought of having to do the physical act of sex just made me feel tired in advance. I have officially become too lazy to even have sex. If you understand what I’m saying then prepare to haunt absolutely no one when you die.

You Smell Your Toenail Gunk After You Pick It Out

I don’t think it’s been scientifically proven, but toenail gunk is the most offensive smell on earth. It actually smells like dying. If you’re so fascinated by this that you have a cheeky sniff when you’re giving yourself a home-pedi, no one is ever going to love you because you are disgusting.

When You Take Off Your Bra Pop Corn Falls Out

If you take off your bra, or any other item of clothing, at the end of the day and popcorn or other food falls out, you’re going to be alone forever, or you’re going to have to find yourself a feeder and resign yourself to crippling obesity. If you see said food fall out and proceed to eat it you are going to be negative alone for ever. You are going to have minus life partner. Unless maybe you are willing to share surprise supper, but I think, as above, we’ve already established that you’re (me) a prick who doesn’t share food. TC mark

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