August 17, 2012

Where Is The Pee Hole?

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What is the issue?

Where is the pee hole? This is a recurring discussion I’ve been having with many a grown woman of late. And no one seems to know where it is, at least not for sure.

Basically, women have three holes: a butt hole, a vagina hole and a pee hole. We know this much for sure. Although I once had a gay roommate who had never actually seen lady-bits in the flesh, and as such thought we only had two holes. When he told me this I gasped indignantly and said, “So what, you just thought we piss all over our babies?” (Side note: we can totally pee while having sex.)

Now level with me for a second; we’ve all seen our vagina hole, whether out of curiosity (a woman who hasn’t sat spread eagled in front of a mirror treating her body like a science experiment is like a child who, upon discovering a sea anemone in a tide pool, does not put their finger in it), or necessity (think along the lines of “first tampon”), and likewise most of us have seen our butt holes (go back to the spread-eagle-mirror scenario but just think of it backwards). These are easy holes to see; blatant holes, if you will, in that they don’t take much more than a simple spreading of skin to reveal.

But as I’ve discovered recently, most women have never seen their pee hole. It’s not like a dude’s pee hole; that thing is basically staring at you like a cycloptic yet sightless worm, and like the Mona Lisa it’s impossible to escape its vacant, unwavering gaze, especially once it’s excited and waving all about of its own accord.

No, I have never seen my pee hole, and I’ve never even really thought to look for it (until now, that is).

Why haven’t any of us (or at least “any of us” who I know and have spoken to), taken the time to find the pee hole? Undoubtedly the hole we use the most (I think I pee at least 17 times a day, whereas I only poop about four, and on a lucky day I’ll only have sex three to five times), the pee hole, essentially, is a ghost hole. It’s there; we know that much because it squirts out warm yellow liquid from between our legs on a regular basis. But none of us have ever actually seen it for real.

The vast majority of us aren’t stupid; we know vaguely where the pee comes from. But it’s all sort of… swathed in flaps. I assume this is why they give you a cup with such a wide circumference at the rim when you go to the doctor — because when you’re peeing in a cup, placing it is just a process of estimation, because no one really knows where the pee comes from. We just sort of know the approximate area.

This, incidentally, is probably why I always end up peeing on my hands at the doctor’s.

The enigma of the pee hole is a little bodily mystery that I quite like. It’s the Loch Ness Monster of orifices; its legend is pervasive, and we occasionally catch a glimpse, but if you ask around you’ll learn that none can tell you for certain exactly where you can find it. TC Mark

image – Shutterstock
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