Things I Wish Were Not OK But Are Definitely OK
By Kat George
Chewing with your mouth open.
I don’t understand why this is OK? It’s disgusting and makes you look like a filthy pig with no manners. Also, I don’t care to see your masticated tuna sushi when I’m sitting across from you on the subway, it literally makes me want to scratch out my eyes and ear drums so I can’t see or hear your offensive behavior. Yeah, I really hate it when people chew with their mouths open. Like, really.
NOT OK. Mostly for the same reasons as above, but moreover, people who chew food politely often chew gum like a grazing cow. Gum brings out an ugly, horrendous side of humanity. I immediately assume anyone chewing gum is a pimp or a drug dealer, or some kind of other abomination on society that should not be allowed to move freely in public spaces. And don’t even get me started on accidentally touching someone else’s old gum under a table or chair. STICKING YOUR CHEWED GUM UNDERNEATH A TABLE/ CHAIR/ BAR/ ANYTHING IS A HATE CRIME.
Walking through a door and stopping immediately on the other side.
This seems to happen overwhelmingly at Whole Foods, resulting in a bottleneck situation where human bodies are rear-ending each other in a wholly non-sexy way. This is not OK. Perhaps instead of stopping immediately after walking through a door, essentially blocking the doorway for everyone behind you, you should use your eyes to identify a more sensible place to stop, and use your feet to get you there. If you don’t, I should have the right to punch you as hard as I like in the back of the head to teach you a f-cking lesson, moron.
Taking the elevator to the first floor.
If you are somehow physically impaired, old, transporting something huge or with child, you can catch the elevator wherever you damn please. If you are able-bodied and unencumbered, you have absolutely no right to take the elevator to the first floor. It’s selfish and rude (especially in old buildings where the lifts are slow to begin with), and besides, taking the stairs is good for you.
For some reason, it is entirely OK for a strange man I don’t know to approach me in the street and tell me he’d like to violently stick his hard cock in my anus. If I turned around and say, spat on him or stabbed his eye out with a fork, this would not be OK. Moreover, if I tried to press charges, I have the stinking suspicion that without a physical assault my complaint wouldn’t be taken entirely seriously. And yet the same man gets caught taking a piss in a public place and he’s a sexual offender in the eyes of the law. ARE FERAL LANEWAYS AND BRICK WALLS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WOMEN?
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
By Larry Hardin
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
By Rob Fee
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.
By Meg Beyer