The Do’s And Don’ts Of Drinking “Ballerina Tea”
This is the time of year where people start talking about their “Summer Body,” and it’s a concept that I buy into in much the same way I always really crave KFC after I see an advertisement on television. Ergo, my desire to be thin and/ or eat KFC is based solely on how stupidly impressionable I am. The thing is though, eating KFC is way easier than this whole “Summer Body” shtick, and while I enjoy imagining myself looking svelte and lithe in a bikini, I’m generally pretty lazy.
I believe everything tastes as good, if not better, than skinny feels; even a tuna sandwich that’s fallen open faced on the sidewalk on Broadway in Soho at lunchtime (I ate it). I want a champagne body on a beer diet. Enter Ballerina Tea.
I feel like I need to preface this by saying I’m not encouraging the use of laxatives to lose weight, nor am I encouraging the loss of weight generally. To be honest, I don’t really care so much about weight, except that sometimes I do. I eat healthily about 60% of the time, and do half-assed exercise three times a week, but every now and then girlie chit-chat convinces me I need to cheat to get ahead, and by ‘ahead’ I mean ‘skinny’ (two things that are not necessarily synonymous in sane circles).
If you haven’t heard of Ballerina Tea, then you’re probably a lot smarter than me, or at least hang out with much smarter people than I do. Ballerina Tea is the name of the product — it’s not just a generalizing, mildly (incredibly) offensive ode to the ballerina. Ballerina Tea is some kind of natural laxative or mild poison, I’m not entirely sure (except that I am sure, and it’s definitely a mild poison) that makes you poop like nobody’s business.
Basically, a couple of hours after drinking Ballerina Tea, you’ll experience some intense stomach cramps, upon which moment you’ll feel something like a stampede starting deep in your ass and bolting for the opening. You’ll then proceed to rush to the toilet like it’s the last bastion of humanity on earth in the midst of apocalypse, and poop out absolutely everything inside you. And I mean everything.
It’s a blood bath, but instead of blood there’s crap — a massacre of crap, if you will — so here are some important dos and don’ts to take into consideration if you decide to take the Ballerina Tea path (of no return).
DON’T have ballerina tea when you’re wearing a tampon. Unless you’ve mastered the art of only clenching and relaxing one downstairs hole at a time (which I believe is akin to making your eyeballs look in different directions, i.e. impossible), you are going to poop the tampon out of your vagina and that’s a really weird feeling you don’t want to experience, take it from me.
DO relish in the feeling of emptiness you have after you’ve pooped out everything you’ve ever eaten.
DON’T drink Ballerina Tea 24 hours before you’re planning on getting laid. I don’t think I even need to explain this one. Unless, of course, you know, you’re into… stuff…
DO use Ballerina Tea when you’ve been constipated for a few days.
DON’T use Ballerina Tea regularly.
DO eat awesome things like beetroot and blue food dye and the kind of edible glitter you get on cupcakes before you drink Ballerina Tea. Your poop will be all the more fancy for it.
DON’T eat curry, eggs or beans. You’re already facing poop-mageddon, don’t make it any worse than it already is.
DO text all your girlfriends who also drink Ballerina Tea from the toilet when you’re having explosive diarrhea.
DON’T drink Ballerina Tea if you’re afraid to poop in public.
DO be prepared to poop anywhere.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”