June 24, 2011

Top 10 Hottest Cartoon Characters (The Bisexual Edition)

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What is the issue?

Ever wanted to bang a cartoon character? It’s OK—there’s no shame in it. We’ve all fantasized from time-to-time about some expertly penned hands expertly penning us. There’s a sense of mystery entirely devoid from human crushes—the sort that makes you wonder exactly what is it that would confront you should you find yourself pulling Aladdin’s pants off (with your teeth, you dirty thing!) or unhooking Ariel’s clam bra. So here it is, an unofficial, non-definitive list of the top 10 hottest cartoon characters (a bisexual version). *

1. Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid

Eric is the most handsome Disney prince. If he had a scruffy beard and hung out in Brooklyn I’d definitely be meeting him at the Commodore and taking him home (to have sex). It’s the flippy hair and deep blue eyes that get me—and the fact that Ariel so desperately wanted to get her special little slit so she could bang him. There must have been something very compelling about Eric for her to go to such great lengths for a vagina (I don’t buy the wanting to walk crap. Everyone knows being a mermaid is way cooler than being a human).

2. Linka (Wind), Captain Planet

Whenever we played Captain Planet in school I was always Linka, and reveled in saying ‘vind!’ instead of ‘wind’. Linka was from the Soviet Union—which is a great reminder of how old Captain Planet is and how old I’m starting to get—and her thick Eastern European accent was pretty damn sexy. As a little girl I got an electric feeling in my body whenever there was sexual tension between her and Wheeler, even though he was a Fanta Pants.

3. Michelangelo (Party Dude), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Everyone loves a party dude. He’s going to drink all your booze, eat all your pizza, give you the best sex of your life and leave as the sun comes up. Yes, he is going to break your heart, but it’s going to be a great time. The turtle thing is a fairly transparent metaphor, so it’s not really bestiality (although I’ve always wanted to go out with a huge walking talking turtle who whips nunchucks and spins on his shell).

4. Penelope Pitstop, Wacky Races and The Perils Of Penelope Pitstop

She was a sassy blonde with huge eyes, a tiny waistline and the cutest all-pink outfit imaginable. And it matched her car. There was something completely perverted in the back and forth between Penelope and Dastardly Dick and Muttley—she was always a little bit of a tease and he and his dog were always more like creepy sexual predators than your run-of-the-mill bad guys.

5. He-Man, Masters Of The Universe

Rippling muscles. A luxurious flaxen mane. Fighting skills. A brutish war-cry. Battle Cat. And a giant… sword.

6. Wilma Flintstone, The Flintstones

Wilma was a flat chat babe, and a pretty darn good housewife to boot. A flame haired vixen indeed, Wilma championed that prevalent American male fantasy that pervades a lot of popular culture—the thin, gorgeous, stern yet gregarious wife always cooking for and pulling her fat, beer guzzling, bowling loving idiot husband back into line. It’s the American Dream.

7. Gambit, X Men

Gambit is the hottest X-Man, and, der, the most mysterious. Hands off Rogue, you most incredibly boring, least-cool-skilled, overly emotional of X-Men.

8. Smurfette, The Smurfs

If you were a little boy in the 80s experiencing the first pangs of unwanted erections, and you’re going to try and tell me you didn’t want to bang Smurfette then I’m going to have to ask you to quietly excuse yourself and never come back. Smurfette’s existence is nonsensical—she’s the only woman in a village full of men. Even if only half the men turned out to be straight, she’d still be getting a shit ton of dick, which makes her a filthy little thing, and everyone loves a filthy little thing.

9. Johnny Bravo

When I’d get home after high school my mum and I used to watch Johnny Bravo and wonder why none of the ladies wanted him, because we certainly did. He was sweet, dorky, made us laugh and most importantly he had a perfect upside-down triangle body (the best kind).

10. Judy Jetson

I know she was only 16 years old, but come on, we’re talking about fucking cartoon characters here, I’m pretty sure we threw taboo out when we started talking about Price Eric’s giant cock.

*Jessica Rabbit not included. It wouldn’t be fair to the other cartoons. TC mark

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