How To Eat Vegemite Like An Aussie (Fair Dinkum!)
Non-Australians take heed—Vegemite is actually delicious, despite what you may think. Recently my American housemate sampled some of my Vegemite while I was out of the house, and she hated it. When I quizzed her about how she had eaten it I was horrified to hear that she didn’t layer it with margarine, nor did she toast her bread. But I was mostly horrified that she had wantonly wasted my precious Vegemite.
“That’s not how you do it!” I screamed at her, cheeks turning rosy (rosy, not red, because I’m a happy little Vegemite, as bright as bright can be!).
The thing is, there’s an art to Vegemite eating. It’s an acquired taste, yes, but you can make that acquisition a lot quicker if you DO IT RIGHT. So here’s a few tips for eating Vegemite like an Aussie. Not an Australian – an Aussie. There’s a difference.
The bread is the canvas for your artwork—it’s as important as the application of the Vegemite itself. You can use any kind of bread—white, sourdough, wholegrain, multi—Vegemite tastes good on everything, with one exception—sugar bread. I had a horrible experience upon first moving to New York when I bought a loaf of bread that I assumed was exactly the way I was used to it, unfamiliar with the high sugar content in the run-of-the-mill loaf. Now, let me tell you—Vegemite does NOT taste good on sugary bread. Think of sugary bread as Angelina—you don’t want to bring her around your beautiful husband (Vegemite) because she WILL corrupt him.
You want to use margarine—butter works too but it’s not as good. I like to use an olive oil based margarine but it’s much of a muchness really, just make sure you use a real margarine, none of this “I Can’t Believe It’s Not What It Actually Is” shit. The most important part of the margarine spreading is to be gratuitous—slather it on in a thick, heavy layer, and be sure to go all the way to the crust.
This is the tricky part—you need to let the margarine melt a little bit, but not all the way before you start spreading the actual Vegemite. You want to apply it unevenly—in some areas let you knife skim the bread lightly, leaving an almost translucent layer. You want to make sure the thickly applied areas are minimal if you’re new to this so hold your knife as delicately as you imagine Monet held is brush when painting light (because this is basically the same thing, only what you’re doing requires much more skill).
The Other Stuff
Not for noobs. You want to save the other stuff until you’re comfortable with your Vegemite application and you not only enjoy the salty, yeasty black stuff, but you’re actually craving it. Us Aussies like to slap a few slices of cheddar cheese on our Vegemite toast, and the truly adventurous will go as far as spreading a layer of avocado or sliced apple over the top. I once saw my little brother spread his Vegemite toast with a layer of sweet chilli sauce. The next day it was a layer of smoked salmon. Bless his cotton socks.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.