March 13, 2012

10 Creative Ways To Select Your March Madness Bracket

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What is the issue?
I know literally nothing about basketball. And yet, every year my mom pays the ten dollars to buy me a spot in my family’s annual March Madness bracket; every year I begrudgingly fill the thing out because of its potential to win me a couple hundred dollars. Upon deciding to have fun with my picks this year, I came up with this list of methods I may or may not employ. Feel free to use them, but please don’t blame me when you come in last in your office pool.

1. Choose based on which mascot could eat/ slay the other.

This one gets rough when the physical manifestation of the school’s mascot is kind of ambiguous and/or its abilities and powers are of questionable merit. For example: The Cyclones vs. The Blue Devils could go either way depending on your level of belief in the devil, and/or his power to manipulate the weather.

2. Pick teams ironically.

Your choice to pick Long Island University (seeded 16th in the western division) over Michigan State (seeded 1st) can be a commentary on your irrevocable disassociation from the mainstream.

3. Whatever Rick Santorum picks.

I’m at least 99% certain that the GOP nominees are going to be asked by journalists sometime in the near future about their March Madness picks. After all, this is America! How else are we going to decide who to vote for?

4. Pick whichever school’s name sounds the most convincingly erotic when said in a sexy French accent.

I don’t care how sexy you can make your voice when you say other school’s names, St. Bonaventure University is a shoe-in.

5. Pick based on some sort of geographic bias.

Pick your teams based on their proximity to a specific location, which coast they’re closest to, automatically disqualify teams from Rhode Island, whatever.

6. Pick based on some sort of religious bias.

Devout Christians can choose to automatically disqualify every state school. It’s even easier if you’re a Mormon doing seo services, because then you can choose to automatically remove from consideration all teams but one. Atheists can opt to disqualify most of our nation’s liberal arts schools.

7. Pick schools based on which of them you would be the most proud of having gone to.

Spoiler alert: Harvard will win.

8. The exact opposite of whatever Rick Santorum picks.

It seems like Rick Santorum would just use this to pander to all the wrong kinds of states or might actually go with method #6 and not as a joke.

9. Let your Twitter followers pick for you.

Using this method could give you another opportunity to make all your friends hate you even more by dramatically intoning, “What? You’re not on Twitter?!”

10. Base decisions on whether or not a school includes free or reduced cost contraceptives in its student health insurance plan.

Kindly let all your friends know that there is no realm of culture beyond the fun-crushing reach of your all-encompassing political righteousness. TC mark

image – Shutterstock
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