Things People Say After A Break Up
Though I hate Twitter, I compulsively and masochistically look at the trending topics. Often they’re ridiculous and broad, but sometimes they’re hilarious. The big one trending today is: #ThingsPeopleSayAfterABreakUp. Shiz is heartless like Kanye, ya’ll. But who hasn’t said something they deeply regretted following the end of a relationship. Or better yet, maybe you ZINGED your ex real good. In which case, I want to hear about it. I wanted to watch you say the perfect one-liner as you stroll away, hair perfect in the breeze, not looking back as their car explodes behind you. Just…cool.
Most likely though you just yelled something unintelligible and terrible. I want to hear that too!
Here’s some examples to get you started:
1. All the lyrics to Lily Allen’s “Not Big.”
2. “To the left, to the left…”
3. One time a friend of mine called an ex’s favorite movie “asinine and trite” and it was the best combination of insulting words I’ve ever heard. Try it. Call anything they did “asinine and trite.” There’s nothing to say back to that.
4. “I really want to stay friends.” Never speak to that person again.
5. “My parents hated you.” Don’t know why this one cuts so deep, oh but it does.
6. “Have fun with herpes.” This can be used even if you don’t have herpes. (I’m just kidding. Don’t do this. Jeez.)
8. “We’re just on a break!” Oh, what is this? Friends? Please.
9. “What was I even thinking?” Best case scenario because instead of wallowing, you’re seeing your self-worth and moving on. Hooray!
10. Asking for your stuff back, or offering to give back their stuff. Way harsh, Tai.
11. “I never wanted to hurt you.” Uh, duh. Thanks. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and lines like this, buddy.
12. Text message: “haaai, wut’s up? just home, drinkin’ a bottle of red wine alone. wanna come ova?”
13. “I’m already over it.” Like “I’m an adult,” that’s one of those statements that saying out loud makes not true.
14. “I hope things don’t get awkward between us.” Oh. Like right now?
Add your best, worst, most annoying or most frustrating ones in the comments! We’re better than Twitter, guys! Have at it.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”