Ways To Irritate Me
#WaysToIrritateMe is trending on Twitter. Time to unload about some of the worst offenses. Be a good person, okay? Don’t do these, guys. Just don’t.
1. Tell me the place we’re going is “Omg, so close. Like two blocks away seriously” when it’s actually seventeen blocks away and you have no concept of distance or time.
2. Be a mosquito. Bite me, and somehow bite no one else at the gathering.
3. When TV shows hype up lesbian kisses as big ratings events. Just gross, exploitative and rude.
4. Sit next to me in an empty coffee shop and make sure I know you’re there by taking phone calls and wildly tapping your pen against the tabletop. (Seriously, what are you doing with a pen? Are you sketching a blueprint? GTFO.)
5. Drunk text me, even though we haven’t spoken in years. I know most people prefer to catch up at 3 a.m., but this is where I march to the beat of my own drum.
6. Generalize about gender. Tell me again how all women “act crazy” or how all men “are dogs.” I love this 80′s stand up comedy level of observation and nuance you have going on.
7. Be my landlord but never freaking call me back even if I’m like, “Hiii, I think my ceiling is caving in” or “Hiii, I smell gas?” Do you want us all to die?! Where are you?
8. Chew your gum loudly at a cafe, on public transportation, or anywhere else where the rest of society can hear your complete lack of restraint.
9. Give my vague instructions for something you need me to do and then never really clarify so I’m left wondering if my work is going to be acceptable or if you’re going to think I’m a huge idiot.
10. Talk on your cellphone while ordering something at a counter, because clearly people who work in food service are not even important enough to feign courtesy for.
11. Ask me, “You gonna finish that?” and then eat it without waiting for me to respond. Or eat my leftovers. Listen, I am poor and I want all the food I purchase. Back off.
12. Criticize my taste in music. Guess what? You don’t have to listen to it. Turns out there are tons of genres because everyone has different ears and different tastes.
13. Stand super close to me in the elevator or on the train. I don’t know if you’re being a creep or if I’m just being overly polite by letting this happen. Ugh.
14. Be brand new, costly athletic sneakers or running shoes. Immediately fall apart upon use.
15. Give me crap about the sports team I like. If we’re a team that wins a lot, you’re just a jealous hater and if we’re a team that loses a lot, you’re being cruel to a sad, die-hard fan. I can’t help where I was born or what team I fell in love with — don’t add insult to injury here.
16. Don’t text me or email me back but definitely update your Facebook status, post a joke on Twitter and reblog a photo on Tumblr so I can see you’re not busy.
17. Be rude to your mother. I don’t care. She is your mother. Being rude to her in front of your friends to look cool doesn’t make you look cool. It makes me sad for your mother. You will miss her when she dies. Stop it.
18. Leave the toilet paper roll empty — either at home or in a public restroom. Then, don’t warn me there’s no TP before I go in. Brilliant.
19. Talk down to me because I’m younger than you, a different race than you, a different gender than you or whatever. End everything you say with, “Do you understand?” Oh, I understand. I understand my fist in your face.
A | A | A
The second-to-last time I saw Darnelle I was going to buy a large quantity of weed from one of his connects because mine was out of town and he set me up to get robbed. The last time I saw him he gave me ~200 Xanax (~1/4th the value of the money he stole from me) and apologized.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.