21 Reasons You’re Not Letting Me Know About That Job
1. You’ve been abducted by aliens.
2. You are an alien and you’ve returned home to your planet after years spent in exile, roaming Earth looking for more of your kind.
3. You can tell from my resume that you’ll hate me.
4. You don’t deem me a worthwhile human being worthy of the relief of knowing one way or the other about this job.
5. You Googled me and mistook me for a serial killer with my same name. I am not that serial killer!
6. You found a secret code in my resume that spelled out “Do Not Hire This Person.”
7. You once had a brutal PE teacher with my same last name and you’re wondering if I’m related to her.
8. You saw what year I graduated and laughed out loud.
9. You’re on vacation with your wife and she said if you even think about turning on the computer, she’ll leave you. She means it this time.
10. You’ve decided to become Amish and can not email or call anyone anymore.
11. You’re a sadomasochist and you enjoy inflicting this pain on me.
12. You dropped your computer down the Grand Canyon and a donkey stepped on it, crushing it.
13. You lost my resume in the torrential downpour of resumes you receive every day.
14. Your secretary was my high school nemesis and she’s taking her final revenge.
15. You’ve decided to become an artist and are using all of our resumes to sculpt meaningful pieces emphasizing the sad, desperate state of our economy, especially for post-grads.
16. Eva Mendes burst into your office wanting to spend an entire week performing oral sex on you and so you haven’t really been working.
17. Your book club just started reading The Kite Runner and you’re in a really emotional and vulnerable place right now.
18. You’re remodeling your kitchen and you can’t decide between the soft duckling yellow or the sunshine day yellow. You’re swimming in paint swatches.
19. Your band is really starting to take off and you’ve booked a bunch of gigs lately so you’re thinking of quitting your day job and following the music, maaaan.
20. You’ve hired someone else who is not only more qualified but they like, know ten languages, volunteer at a cat hospital and bake brownies from scratch. They’re just a better person.
21. You’re busy. There were a lot of applicants and you’ll get to it soon.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.