10 Things I’d Do As An Eccentric Heiress

I’ve always thought it was profoundly unfair that I wasn’t born an heiress to some old-school big money family. I read about famous heiresses all the time – your Astors, your Tinsley Mortimers, your Hiltons and Johnsons and Huguette Clarks. All of them are a little eccentric, no? Guess who else is a little eccentric? Me. That’s right. If you had millions upon millions of dollars to have fun with, what would you do? I can think of more than a few ideas.

1. Invest in a glorious collection of wigs. Now, old lady heiresses do this all the time once their hair thins. But I would just do it as a young, fanciful heiress who wants to change up her hair all the time – which I do in my real life as a Not Heiress, too. I’d have beautiful long wigs, brunette wigs, Marie Antoinette wigs … and I’d wear them all out to lunch.
2. Adopt several gigantic dogs and insist on taking them everywhere with me. I’m talking Rottweilers, Great Danes and pitbulls. Most heiresses choose nasty little dogs – please see Paris Hilton’s Instagram for proof – but I would definitely go for giant dogs and walk them around on sparkly leashes. They would be able to run free at my country house, though.
3. Except for the tamed big cats I’d keep at my country house. Every heiress needs a kooky big cat, just like Katharine Hepburn in “Bringing Up Baby.”
4. Have a few “jobs” that I could reference, like “muse to a designer” and “art collector.” Oh, and “vintage clothing aficionado.” One of my favorite things about super rich girls is their “work.” Tinsley Mortimer designs plates. I mean, come on – how fun is that? “Oh, I design fancy plates. My work is very challenging and creative.” Sounds great to me.
5. Throw parties with really obscure themes that only appeal to myself and my best friend. Now, John and I did this in college all the time. We’d buy outfits with the idea of planning a party around them. I remember one called “American Dreams,” which we threw because John wanted to buy a marching band jacket. Think of what parties we could throw with millions of dollars at our beck and call!
6. Decorate all my rooms Diana Vreeland style. The late, great fashion editor decorated all of her rooms to the max. I’m talking bright red walls and furniture. Every room bordered on garish. Welcome to my home, “Architectural Digest.” I’m the Maximalist Heiress. I’d become obsessed with one item – say, gold peacocks – and then design entire rooms around them. And since I had a ton of money, I could redecorate when I got sick of it, which I inevitably would in a few weeks.
7. Hire an entourage. Well, I wouldn’t hire them. They’d be my friends, repurposed with menial tasks to put them on the payroll. I read once that Mariah Carey has an assistant whose sole purpose is to fill her pop can with white wine. Someone could totally do that for me – but Dom, not white wine, please. I’d collect interesting people and have a “salon” where they could just be their interesting selves in my living room. I’ve tried this as a Not Heiress, but it doesn’t work the same way in a middle class world.
8. Own a few Raising Cane’s chicken finger franchises. I need to support my favorite restaurant, don’t I?
9. Constantly be written up for “casually dating” this celebrity or that prince. A different one every week, I should think. Celebrities and heiresses are always “casually dating” one another. I’m never “casually” doing anything, unless it’s “casually spending $200 while drunk on Etsy.”
10. Make it a goal to be featured in “Vanity Fair” every month. It can’t be that hard. “Vanity Fair” is practically “People” now anyway.