January 21, 2014

‘Listen To Your Fantasies, Not Your Dreams’ And 20 Other Perfect Words Of Wisdom From Elle’s Advice Columnist

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Chicklets, we have a whole lot of people telling us who’s who and what’s what and how’s how, don’t we? Tina Fey, Lena Dunham, your favorite lifestyle blogger (mine’s GOOP, obviously), that bitch on Pinterest with the perfectly curated boards, our moms, Beyonce … but guess what? You can tell them to sit down, park it! Because the only woman you need to listen to is E. Jean Carroll.

E. Jean is the advice columnist for Elle magazine – that’s her day job, and she’s good at it. Her column has been going strong since 1993 and was voted one of the five best advice columns ever! Besides lending a helpful ear to the suffering, she’s a celebrated writer and editor who has contributed to “Playboy,” “Esquire” and more. She gives the most insightful, witty, realistic guidance to her readers; many a time have I wished for a portable E. Jean to carry around so she could tell me what to do. I suppose I technically do: @ejeancarroll on Twitter.

E. Jean is the patron saint of all smart, ambitious, sexy and modern women. We should be listening to her all the time forever. Though everything she says about men, sex, love, friendship and careers is coated in gold, here are a few of my favorite E. Jean gems from her Twitter and her delicious, wise columns. I have many of these written down to consult when I feel less than flawless. She’s a firecracker. Thank you, Auntie Eeeee!

If Joan of Arc could change the tide of an entire war before her 18th birthday, you can get out of bed.
Don’t read Tweets by unhappy, spiteful people. They will KILL your mood.
The No. 1 best way to kill romance: Trying to make it last forever.
Never expect a man to call. Never expect a man to propose. You’ll be happiest if you never expect a man to do ANYTHING.
Listen to your fantasies, not your dreams.
Even when you’re down, the game can still be going your way.
If he doesn’t take an interest in your work, he doesn’t take an interest in you.
Never favorite a best friend’s bon mot. Always retweet it!
If men earned the low pay women earned, Labor Day would last three weeks.
If you’re having trouble choosing between two paths, take the one that’s more life enhancing, even if it’s more dangerous.
If you have an affair with a spiritual dude, it will end with him asking you for money.
Dress for how you wish to be dealt with.
Sometimes the best boyfriends are not ‘surprising’ or ‘spellbinding’ or ‘interesting.’ They’re just kind and sexy.
A guy can turn into a prince or a dickweed, depending on the woman who rubs against him.
The more money we spend on hair and makeup, the more we want dudes to love us as we are.
Never treat other women disrespectfully. It gives men ideas.
A woman has as many outfits as she has imagination. And the bad outfits are the adventure.
Whenever old ladies start tweeting, drop whatever you’re doing and go listen.
The ONLY ONLY ONLY thing French women do better than American women is … tying a damn scarf.
Get off the highway. Find a smaller road. Get off that smaller road and find an ever smaller road. THAT’s your road.
Most people are better at Twitter than they are at love. TC mark

Kara Nesvig

Kara Nesvig is a Minneapolis-based writer & shopgirl with an affinity for red lipstick and country music. She grew up …