Fantasy Breaking Bad
With one week sans Breaking Bad under my belt, I started to go into detox. I knew I either had to find a solution or drop an ATM on my head, so I created Fantasy Breaking Bad, a way to argue and obsess over television’s most compelling drama until it comes back in 10 months. Creating a Breaking Bad fantasy league also adds the one missing element to the BB experience; we can finally trash talk as we watch.
Here’s how my league is going to work. Feel free to copy it for your own entertainment.
Let’s start with the main characters. We know not everyone is going to get out alive. Even Mike, a fiercely careful criminal, fell victim to Hurricane Walt’s Ego. Everything’s on the table. For each main character, answer the following questions:
Does this character live or die? (1pt each)
If this character dies, who or what kills them? (2pts each)
In which episode, 1-8? (1pt each)
A character is ruled to be dead during the episode where s/he chronologically died, and not when they were revealed dead. (Ex: Gale died in the last episode of Season 3, not the first episode of Season 4.)
Now the lightning round!
For one point each:
Does anyone ever mention that plane crash again? Y/N
Does Jesse Pinkman, at any point, wear a necktie? Y/N
Does Skyler kiss Walt at any point? Y/N
Will Holly say her first words? Y/N
Does Walt seek more cancer treatment? Y/N
Will we ever see Walt Jr.’s friend Louis onscreen? Y/N
Does Walt ever cook more meth? Y/N
Does Jesse ever cook more meth? Y/N
Does Jesse ever use meth again? Y/N
Does Jesse ever kill a person again? Y/N
Does Hank get fired from or demoted at the DEA? Y/N
Does Skyler smoke a cigarette? Y/N
Does Marie steal compulsively at any time in the future? Y/N
Do we ever see the teddy bear eye from the pool or Todd’s pet spider again? Y/N
Does Walt ever get formally charged with any crimes? Y/N
Does the car wash get busted for bogus accounting? Y/N
Do we get to watch Hank punch Walt? Y/N
Does any onscreen action take place in New Hampshire? Y/N
Does Walt’s stupid hat get destroyed? Y/N
Do we ever meet Saul’s vacuum cleaner salesman friend who makes people disappear? Y/N
For one point: Does Walt’s confession/apology video ever get found?
For two points: If yes, who finds it?
For two points: In which episode will we next see Walt With Hair?
For two points: In which episode do we discover how Walt acquires his fake identity?
For two points: Is the bulk of Walt’s money…
Donated to charity?
Spent on luxury items?
Seized by the DEA?
Hidden and never recovered?
Spent on business/protection?
Given away on purpose to non-charitable sources?
Bequeathed to Walt’s family somehow as originally intended?
For two points: Name one person who gets killed with Walt’s Big Gun:
Now, here’s a chance to really make things interesting. Make some predictions of your own. Obviously you can’t call any slam-dunks, like Walt Jr. eating scrambled eggs or Hank saying something vaguely racist. Check out this rubric I made:
For Two Points Each Make Seven Predictions Including Any of the Following:
- A character who becomes incarcerated.
- A character who has not appeared in Season 5 appears alive onscreen (non-flashback).
- A non-central character who dies (anyone other than the 12 people listed above).
- A character (non DEA) who agrees to act as a witness on behalf of the state.
- A character who attempts to blackmail another character.
- An existing character whom we have never seen use meth uses meth.
Finally, and this is a little controversial because it’s so subjective, take three to five sentences and outline how you think the series ends. After the final episode, a panel of three impartial experts will read each answer and award seven points to the best one. (Not every league will be able to drum up non-participating judges, so you may want to leave this part out unless you want to inspire a Hector Salamanca-type vengeance in your friends.)
This game, which runs the whole season, is worth 100 points. Whoever accumulates the highest point total wins the league and gets to wear a stupid hat whenever they want, and for some reason no one ever tells them their hat is stupid. They also hold the official title of The One Who Knocks. Cool, right?
Enjoy! I hope this soothes your Breaking Bad withdrawals as much as it’s helped with mine. Let me know if you decide to play and what your league’s high score is!
As Jesse Pinkman would say: “Yo. Good luck, bitch.”
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She might be covered in flour, but there’s always a smile on her face.
1. When your car breaks down and they have to come help you change your tire or wait with you until the tow truck comes.
Even if you’ve never experienced something this severe, this PSA will make you understand what it feels like.