March 23, 2012

Things I Would Do If I Were Rich And Famous

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We all know that famous people get away with a lot more ridiculous and hilarious behavior than the rest of us. Not only can they afford a host of lavish peccadilloes, but they also seem larger than life to begin with, giving them more leeway into the outlandish. If I were famous, I’d go all out. I’d spend all day doing things that would both flaunt my wealth and exploit the expectation that I’d be a weirdo. The way I see it, if I had the money, it would be my duty to live as entertainingly as possible.

Drive a Souped Up Ice Cream Truck

Lots of famous people drive fancy cars, but usually they become annoying spectacles of luxury. I would drive a fancy ice cream truck with a killer sound system, and I’d make it rain popsicles as I drove through town. I would hire T-Pain to remake (cream-mix) strip club anthems so that they’re about ice cream. It would be the best.

Have a Ludicrous Entourage

An entourage is the province of the rich and famous, but so few people do it right. Rappers usually bring their rap crews along for the ride. Actors have assistants, stylists, and other employees. Even the entourages in 30 Rock and Entourage don’t show a lot of imagination.

Here’s my roster.

#1. Human Cell Phone. He makes my calls, tells me the time, and checks my e-mail. I give him my messages, and he relays them to the relevant party in real time. All incoming calls go through him the same way.

#2. Hype Man. Just a guy yelling for people to be excited when I arrive places. Barber shops, memorial services, wherever.

#3. Mime. No entourage has a mime. I’m changing the game.

#4. A Grandpa. I don’t have any living grandfathers, but I still want someone around to give me sage advice and buy me lunch just for visiting. I just want a grandfather to hang out with. If you know any freelance old guys, holla atcha boy.

#5. Duck Billed Platypus. Nature’s hybrid. Reminding me to be versatile and to stay humble.

Hire Less Famous People as Personal Assistants

What’s Dustin Diamond doing nowadays? That Saved By the Bell nostalgia train has to pull over sometime. Plus, does he really want to be Screech forever? I’ll pay him handsomely to be my personal chef.

Early ‘90s one hit wonder Skee-Lo used to wish he were a baller. I’d keep him on retainer to play high stakes games of one-on-one with me.

How much could it cost me to get former MTV VJ Jesse Camp to change the channels on my television? Certainly not more than minimum wage.

Wear Ridiculous Clothes

I’m always thinking fashion forward, and once I get in the spotlight, I’ll be ready to shine. First, I’d get prescription versions of those novelty glasses that make you look like you have glowing 3D eyeballs. Also, a new sombrero for every day of the week. All different materials, too. Velvet, bamboo. Real unorthodox sombreros. Finally, fake mustaches. All day, e’rry day.

Make Up New Slang

Paris Hilton takes credit for “hot.” Will Smith popularized “jiggy.” I’m going to coin more words than Shakespeare. Try these on for size.

My term for a cool older guy is Chilliam H. Macy. The grandpa in my entourage, for example, would be a real Chilliam H. Macy.

If you recoil from something morally reprehensible, you Atticus Flinch. As in: “My buddy wanted to steal all the bulkie rolls from that bread truck, but I Atticus Flinched.”

A boring magician is a David Plain. I don’t think I need to explain that any further.

Are those less like slang terms and more like puns? Who cares. I’d be loaded. Here’s eight hundred dollars. Don’t worry about it.

Enter Every Room to a Theme Song

Whenever I walk down the street, there’s a soundtrack playing in my head. It’s always been a dream of that to share that beat with the world. I’ve never had the means to achieve that goal, though. We’ve all seen it done in the movie Zoolander, as Hansel continually enters to a techno backdrop. But that’s tacky. And a DJ? Come on.

If I were rich and famous, I’d have a string quartet follow me around and play whatever song happens to be stuck in my head. They would, of course, wear tuxedoes at all times. They would also have matching 3D glowing eyeball glasses. To show that they’re with me. That, to me, would be the apex of fanciness.

My Entire Life Would Be Narrated by Morgan Freeman

Even the boring parts of life would become amazing with Morgan Freeman’s voice describing them.

Eating alone: “I’d like to tell you Josh didn’t finish that entire pizza by himself, but that would be a lie.”

Napping: “Josh Gondelman slept through three hours of the afternoon and came out clean on the other side.”

And the cool things would be even cooler. Imagine how Morgan Freeman would narrate as I drove down the street tossing ice cream to the children I passed as Screech from Saved by the Bell made custom sundaes in the back.

The world will never know until I am insanely wealthy. So… get on that everyone. Let’s make me rich. I promise it will pay off in antics and sombreros. Someone call Skee-Lo and have him get a Kickstarter going. TC mark

image – Kim-bodia

Josh Gondelman

Josh Gondelman is a writer and comedian who incubated in Boston before moving to New York City. His writing has been …

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