New Celebrity Sandwiches
Sarah Palin: Freshly hunted deer meat and minced bear whiskers, wrapped in a photocopied transcript of the constitution with several words crossed out.
The Barack Obama: A sandwich that promises all of the ingredients you’ve been waiting for in a sandwich for years, and then when it arrives has completely different ingredients, but it’s still way better than any sandwich you’ve eaten for the last eight years.
The Paris Hilton: Sprouts, Ecstasy Pills, and Non-fat Italian Dressing. Served on an oversized lettuce leaf instead of a bun to cut out carbs.
The Michael Cera: Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off, served to you like that’s something an adult would want to eat at a restaurant.
The Jim Carey: Ham, well past its prime. Served on any bread but rye.
The Charlie Sheen: Pudding and macaroni salad served in a banana skin. This sandwich obviously has some serious problems, but no one will address them. Everyone will just laugh that it’s still on the menu.
The Philip Seymour Hoffman: A double-decker reuben, to be eaten in a fit of rage.
The Lady Gaga: A McDonald’s hamburger smothered in glitter.
The Shia LaBeouf: A wildly arrogant roast beef club that nobody really seems to enjoy but for some reason keeps showing up on expensive menus.
The Kim Kardashian: A collection of any synthetic deli meats that the chef thinks someone might want to eat served on two enormous “organic” buns.
The Mark Zuckerberg: Pastrami on a stack of pictures of you from the last nine years. Developed at a deli co-owned by his best friend, who is no longer an owner of that deli. Mark does not want to talk about it.
The Katy Perry: Two plump chicken breasts with not a lot else going on. Good for about another fifteen minutes.
The Justin Bieber: Veal Parmesan with bangs, served on CD or digitally.
The Tom Petty: A grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes that makes your dad talk about how much better sandwiches used to be when he was a kid. Back before the beef was full of hormones and Autotune.
The Ryan Reynolds: Corned beef with no added flavor, listed at the top of the menu, and forced down everyone’s throat twice a year. Not a disagreeable sandwich, just overrated, according to popular consensus.
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Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.