March 20, 2014

I’ll Never Tell You How Much I Miss You

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There I was, standing in front of you with tears in my eyes, unable to say what I so desperately wanted to say. You stood there, silently waiting as the burning in my throat intensified with each word that went unsaid. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t do it. My throat was on fire and I didn’t have the courage to put it out. I knew that your arms around me would smother the flames, and that your lips on mine would reignite them in a completely different way. But I was drunk, and I was crying, and you were standing there looking at me with pity in your eyes. So I said nothing, my body frozen with fear as the fire raged on inside. And I let you leave.

The funny thing is that I had known exactly what I wanted to say.

I would have told you that I want you, and that ever since you left all that I can think about is my teeth on your neck and your lips on my stomach.

I would have told you that I long for your legs to once again be intertwined with mine; how I miss the way you would move against me while you slept and the sleepy, confused face you would make when you woke up.

I would have told you that even though I just started an exciting new job, I still stay up until 3AM thinking of you. And that the first thing I think of every morning is you, too.

I would have told you that my days are empty without hearing from you, and that I still haven’t figured out how to fill the void you’ve left in my life.

I would have told you that you had awakened something in me that I had previously thought I wasn’t capable of feeling. That I don’t know how to go back to being my old self without you, and worse, I’m not sure that I want to.

I would have told you that I want to sit on your kitchen counter as you make pizza at 5 in the morning when I need to be up at 7, because the future wouldn’t matter if you were here with me now.

I would have told you that I miss your stupid sense of humor that used to make me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe, and the pleased little smirk you used to make as you watched me gasping for air.

I would have told you that I want to hold your hand as we walk down the street in the middle of winter, because no matter how cold it is outside your hand in mine gives me all the warmth I need.

I would have told you that I want to make you so happy that as you lay in bed at night you start to wonder if it was all a dream.

I would have told you that I love your flaws, and that I love our differences, because we balance each other out in a way I never thought possible.

I would have told you that I want to be constantly surprised by you, to learn something new about you every day, because I can’t imagine ever possibly being bored by you.

I would have told you that I want to be what you reach for when you wake up in the middle of the night, that I would wrap my arms around you like no blanket ever could.

And lastly, I would have told you that I need you, and only you, in the simplest of ways.

But instead, I let you walk away. Because these are all things that I’ll never say. TC mark

featured image – See-Ming Lee
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