Revisiting Our Work From Home Policy
Employees may not make the rabbit ear air quotations when telling coworkers they are “working from home” tomorrow.
Although it cannot be monitored, there is a direct correlation between at-home pornography and decreased profits, which is why bonuses are down 31 percent this year.
Taking conference calls while running errands is frowned upon unless the errand involves an emergency room.
90-minute walks are not considered “clearing one’s head.” They are considered “unemployment.”
Changing from sweatpants into khakis can no longer be cited as reason for needing a coffee break.
As in the office, alcohol consumption is prohibited. “Couple of beers” does not bring just the right amount of levity to afternoon meetings as some assume.
Post-The View until pre-Judge Judy is not acceptable working hours.
Do not bring up how productive you are from your home office. We’re willing to overlook your laziness if you don’t rub our faces in it.
Couch casual is not a dress code. It’s called pajamas and should not be lauded as efficient.
Effective immediately, no more expensing toilet paper, M&Ms or Netflix.
Telecommuters may not phone human resources to complain about themselves.
Those working remotely are not eligible to call work to find out what’s going on. Office gossip is reserved for those who bother to show up.
Should you injure yourself in your home office, workers compensation is not available unless your injury is filmed, loaded to YouTube and receives at least 700,000 views.
Going forward managers are no longer discussing what is and what is not proper hygiene.
Office messengers cannot stop by Chipotle on the way.
How dare you mention to us needing an ergonomic chair.
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Dads are actually a pretty big part of your life.
5. Double the milestones.
1. From the moment you declare your major, you will claim authority over any and all grammar or spelling disputes that arise in everyday conversations.
You start to freak out and don’t know whether to cry or to scream but DEAR GOD MY HAIR IS ORANGE.