Slap Prevention
By Jon Methven
Welcome to SPC, the most innovative preventative healthcare coverage on the market today. Health insurance has become more expensive because Americans cannot be trusted to avoid vices that lead to sizeable medical bills. At SPC, we believe in preventing poor health choices before they cause liver failure.
SPC (Slap Prevention Coverage) is the nation’s only health insurer that provides an around-the-clock, certified slap technician to ensure that you make minute-to-minute healthy decisions. How does it work? You must have noticed a uniformed technician following you and holding aloft a gloved slap as you engage in each of your daily vices. Those who did not heed the raised hand might already be familiar with what makes SPC the most successful slap prevention insurer in the world.
Our slap technology works in three stages: 1) The crack of an open hand across a client’s face instantly alerts them of an impending healthcare concern; 2) An awkward silence ensues as others in the vicinity take note of the slap rehabilitation and the possible ramifications had the vice gone undetected; 3) Everyone takes a moment to reflect on the humiliation and subsequent health benefits
Most healthcare plans offer the crutch of making poor decisions, and then relying on medical coverage to drain the pus. With SPC, our slap technicians prevent the problem before clients find themselves participating in diabetes walkathons aboard their own motorized wheelchairs.
Frequently asked questions:
Can we please revert back to our old healthcare coverage?
No. The old plan was defeatist, assuming employees would require medical attention after carelessly eating, drinking and smoking their way to an early grave. With the new plan, we also get free mugs.
What about prescription drug coverage?
You can choose from three plans: CT (Cold Turkey), PSIOI (Put Some Ice On It) or SBSAN (Stop Being Such A Ninny).
Does SPC cover psychiatric visits?
If you need to speak to someone, your slap technician is standing by. For an additional $17 per pay period, they will nod and issue patronizing answers.
How long will my slap technician be sleeping on my couch?
Until you begin involuntarily flinching every time you encounter temptation, or your benefits run out.
How can my husband and I get pregnant if my slap technician will not leave us alone long enough to copulate in private?
If the technician is providing coital-interference slaps, he or she likely foresees future financial burdens. I mean, how well do we really know this guy? Are you sure you couldn’t have done better? Is he really in it for the long haul? Is his job as secure as he says it is? Is this the best time to be having kids? Do you have any idea how much those little people cost?
Each morning my slap technician wakes me by slapping me repeatedly until I give her some password or lock myself in the bathroom. Why is this happening?
The default password is SLAPPYTIME. Once you say the password, they will ask you to create a new one. Do not forget the password because we won’t know it.
Is it normal that my slap technician often stays on the couch all day, watching television in his underwear and quietly sobbing?
It sounds like you require a technician upgrade. You can either call the help desk, or gently remind your slap technician of the high unemployment rate and how quickly they can be replaced by another coffee barista.