Dennis and Jill Troy announce the birth of their daughter, Jewel, on October 3. “After the singer,” said Mrs. Troy, who checks the family bank account hourly. Prior to the pregnancy, Mr. Troy quit his job as an attorney at Tickle and Lichner and invested all their money in his own business. “Vending Machine Rotisserie — instead of candy and chips in office vending machines, people get a handful of fresh roasted meat.” The Troys enjoy sailing, traveling and standing over their daughter’s crib, estimating how much each breath costs. “Cute name if you’re rich,” said Mr. Troy. “Otherwise, it’s a stripper tag.”
Gary Anus, 97, passed away on October 4. A lifelong admirer of the Waldorf and Cobb salads, Mr. Anus’s dream was to patent his own salad. He spent the last decades of his life, and much of his children’s inheritance, tinkering with the Anus Salad, which includes licorice, flounder and plums. In lieu of flowers, the family is asking for serious leads from restaurants that will entertain theAnus Salad as a menu item. Please do not send jokes. They’ve heard them all.
Mike Early and Tonya Darling have been pressured by their parents into delightfully announcing the birth of their son, Burt. The paternal grandparents offered to take care of it quietly. Then adoption was bandied about. Then the maternal grandmother,retired and bored, offered to provide free daycare for life. The maternal grandfather was not included in the negotiations due to his temper. Mr. Early and Ms. Darling, who are not in love, are planning a June wedding.
Samuel Darton, 26, of Greenwich, Ct., passed away unexpectedly at some point afterbeing locked in the bathroom at his wedding reception. Mr. Darton, a marine biologist, married Hannah Bell, 24, of Poughkeepsie, N.Y., at the Simple Whispers Country Club, the Reverend Peter Parsons residing. “He must have gotten locked in during appetizers,” said the widow Bell, a paralegal at Kline and Klooney. “Strange she didn’t notice her husband never came home with her after the wedding,” noted Rev. Parsons. Ms. Bell, who was pretty sure the marriage wouldn’t last anyway, is keeping the gifts.
Lynn Hurtle and Melissa Crane were pleased to announce the birth of their daughter on October 6. That was until the Crane family slapped on the obituary of grandmother Lucy Crane, 82, to the birth announcement when she died on the same day. “I have no problem with my granddaughter marrying a girl,” said widower Reg Crane. “But they charge per word. Two announcements for the price of one – that’s smart thinking.” “We suffered through years of legislation just to get married,” said Ms. Hurtle. “The family could have spent the extra six bucks.” The child was named Lucy after the late Mrs. Crane, who did not approve of same-sex marriage.
Trevor Weinworth, 32, of Queens died most expectedly on October 1. Against his parents’ wishes, Mr. Weinworth dropped out of college to start a website, blindtrainjumping.com, in which he posts videos of himself jumping out of planes while blindfolded and landing on moving trains using only the sound of the train as reference. He is survived by his parents, Wayne and Judy, who are feeling pretty smug about the whole thing.
Paul and Brianna Worthington and Ryan and Beth Collins and Dave and Sarah Carterannounce the birth of twin boys, Jack and Brian, and a girl, Maggie. The children were conceived during an orgy. “We have no intention of doing paternity tests,” said Mr. Collins, an attorney. “We’re all their fathers and mothers,” said Mrs. Worthington, mother of the twins. “Jack could be Maggie’s brother or cousin, or Brian’s brother or cousin, or Maggie and Jack and Brian could have come from the same sperm,” said Mr. Carter, who drinks too much. “They have no idea what confusion this will lead to in fifteen years,” said Dr. Mary Rosenberg, the gynecologist, who was invited to the next orgy.
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My father was a 911-call taker. The worst calls he got were suicide calls where pretty much all he heard was someone immediately saying “hello, my name is John doe and I live at 123 abc Street and I’m going to kill myself…bang.”
DIY beauty treatments.
This dangerously real replica of Arya Stark’s infamous “Needle” is, I think, capable of skewering little fat boys, impaling indignantly injured kids’ necks (and killing them), or using for some seriously epic shish kebabs. Probably don’t get this for a kid!
“Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”