Thought Catalog
March 25, 2014

The 10 Different Types Of Vaginas There Are

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What is the issue?
Directly in response to “The 10 Different Types Of Dicks,” a few of us guys decided to share our thoughts on some common types of vaginas. Although I, sexual guru Johnny Long, actually did the bulk of the writing, I gotta give credit where it’s due: this article could not have come together without the helpful musings of the men in the Comments section, and specifically Brave New World, whose title suggestions I quote here.

1. The Loose Vagina You Can Last Forever In

This vagina is simply put… loose. A loose vagina feels like it’s slid 12 babies out of it in the last couple of years. Being in a woman should feel like a jacuzzi bath for your cock, but instead, it feels like driving your car through a carwash, when those flappy curtains soap up your sedan. It’s not doing much, barely putting any pressure on your penis, and you can just keep going… and going… and going… and going. Your girl probably has some idea that her vagina is really loose, so maybe spare her self esteem and don’t mention it to her. Just… do the best you can, and maybe get out of there. Literally.

2. The Too-Tight Virgin Vagina That Makes You Cum Too Quickly

This is the opposite of #1. Some girls are crazy tight, and it’s just impossible to last. I mean, this vagina is made by nature to squeeze man juice out of you, and with every stroke, you feel like your kids’ faces are becoming more and more defined before your eyes. You switch up positions, and start to wonder how much longer you can last, as this vagina massages every inch of your dick into sweet, sweet ecstasy of release.

3. The Deceptively Tiny Vagina

Maybe you’re having sex with a small girl – you know, a skinny 5-foot bubble of happiness, and off come the underwear, and you’re wondering how your average-sized sausage is ever going to fit in there. But then you go down on her, and she starts getting wet. And then wetter. And then, by some miracle magic trick, inch by inch, you’re fully inside her. Sometimes, deceptively tiny vaginas can accommodate you, but are really snug, making them #2s, but sometimes they’re also pretty loose, making you question laws of physics. How can something so tiny feel so… loose? There’s no way to tell how a Deceptively Tiny Vagina will feel until you’re in it.


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