4 Reasons Women Are (Like, Literally) The Worst
By Johnny Long
1. In Bathrooms, Women Conspire To Rule The World
Dear men and lesbians: you know how sometimes you come home to your supposedly-loving spouse after a long day of work, eager for some well-deserved loving, but instead she pounces on you with hormonal hatred? The next time this happens, ask yourself this simple question: when is the last time the two of you have been out to a social gathering with other women present? What’s that, just last week? Naturally. When women go to the bathroom together, giggling and skipping along, do not fool yourself thinking that they’re just bantering about a new kind of eye shadow and how great you are in bed.
No. In bathrooms, women are literally conspiring on how to make your life a living hell. They pull out all the stops and spare no expense. Domestic implosions are carefully scheduled to a feminist ritual. Tuesday, they blow up Jimmy’s marriage; Thursday afternoon –- they will eviscerate Craig at the park. Friday night, it’s your turn. There’s evidence that such cooperation is possibly global; the Feminist Elite (FE) network is run by a minimal core group, which can be viewed topologically as a ring or chain network, with each node heading its own particular hierarchy.
They are armed, they are organized, and they are out to destroy you.
2. After Emasculating Pluto, Women Want To Defund NASA
a. Here’s a fun statistic for you by the CDC: 86% of all US women over the age of 16 believe that space exploration is harmful to womankind. They believe that if NASA were de-funded, the Feminist Elite could better do the stuff NASA is currently in charge of, like employing robot satellites that gather information about accurate weather forecasts and geological assessments. They say that their (Female) robot satellites can also accomplish most of the things that more expensive MAN flights do, just without the rah-rah, nationalistic PR. Senator’s wives often nag them before major NASA hearings.
b. According to Wikipedia -– written by men and poorly edited by women –- “Pluto fails to [be classified as a planet] because its mass is only 0.07 times that of the mass of the other objects in its orbit” Jealous much? Listen up, woman! Just because Pluto weighs less than you do, doesn’t mean you need to force it out of the Solar System.
Another reason women hate Pluto? In ancient Greek religion, Pluto represents a positive concept of the MALE god who presides over the afterlife. Well, the FE will not stand for that! They don’t want you thinking that men go to a happy place after women eat them after sex. Oh, right, that brings me to my next point:
3. Women Sometimes Eat Men Whole After Sex
There have previously been recorded cases of men cases killed by the female after the coupling, or sometimes even before intercourse has been initiated. While some rare males can temporarily survive in the proverbial web of female deception, some Australian women are known to kill and consume men right after after he inserts his member in the female genital opening; in over 60% of cases the female then eats the male whole.
There has always been speculation on why this sacrifice of male mates might occur despite the fact that there is an obvious disadvantage to the sacrificial males. Unfortunately, all the male scientists researching the topic have been eaten.
4. Women Make Fancy Bread Go Stale
Science has long known about the relationship between women’s menstrual hormone interaction with common household objects –- it’s a whole lot of sciency gibberish, but basically means that women make green mold appear on your bread. The ancient Greeks, who wisely made the ruler of the Underworld a man (see above,) hypothesized that green mold symbolizes women’s jealousy over the fact that you are paying more attention to your sandwich than them.
Sounds innocent enough, right, especially after terrorizing the world and destroying NASA? Well, not so fast! With the uterine power to destroy bread, women are able to obliterate many of the grain-based things men love most in the world: meatball subs, hot dogs, beer (!!) Some male scholars hypothesize that another source of hate comes from the fact that women see these objects as phallic in nature, but I think that’s just gibberish. Stop hanging with women, scientists! Men are where it’s at.