Thought Catalog
June 20, 2017

In Defense Of Fuckboys, The Whipping Boys Of The Dating World

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What is the issue?
Joshua Munoz

Fuckboys, perhaps the most demonized group in the dating world continue to be a denigrated through no fault of their own by girls who caught feelings and then couldn’t make a Fuckboy their boyfriend. I’m sick of it. I used to be what many would call a Fuckboy and there was nothing wrong with it. It didn’t make me a bad person and today I have a wife and child that I both love more than anything in the world.

The thing is, girls have “Fuckboys” all wrong. They’re not the bogeymen that some girls make them out to be. They’re not bad for wanting an active sex life without a relationship in sight. They’re not bad for wanting to keep things chill and casual. No, they’re absolutely upfront about what they want. It’s just that a lot of girls want their Fuckboy to want them outside the bedroom and that’s where the anger comes from.

So, in defense of Fuckboys here are seven absolute truths about Fuckboys that need to be understood as written by someone who definitely fit the ridiculous description.

1. We Don’t Know Any More About Love Than You Do

Most “Fuckboys” are young, early to mid-20s. I’ve never met anyone that could be classified as a “Fuckboy” older than that. Being a Fuckboy is something you age out of and the truth is that nobody knows how to have good relationships in their early 20s. No boy and no girl is good at relationships at this age. The freedom and possibility is completely overwhelming. You can find yourself falling in love, not just with one person, but many at the same time.

And this hapless, innocent ability to love quickly and hard is what your 20s are for! It’s your 30s that are for realizing all the mistakes you’ve ever made. That is the age where you reassess every choice you ever made ala “High Fidelity”.

Your 20s are for making these mistakes and guys don’t know any more about how to do it right than girls do. Stay single? Sleep around because that’s what everyone is saying you should do? Play it casual because that’s what everyone with dating advice is saying to do? Get married? There’s a crazy amount of messages being received.

We’re all just trying to find ourselves here.

2. Lots Of Us Believe In Sex Without Love

No doubt, because of social stigma and the ability of girls to become pregnant, men are often more comfortable with having sex with someone they have no feelings for. But it’s untrue that this is something most men do without emotional repercussions and it’s untrue that every girl or woman wants a relationship. I’ve met tons of girls who truly had no problem with the occasional one night stand and believed sex could be absolutely fine without loving their sexual partner.

It’s just guys, it seems, that are labeled as Fuckboys for not wanting to date someone after having sex with them, not girls. Why? Who knows but it’s not fair.

3. We Believe We’re Telling You How We Feel When We Don’t Commit

Fuckboys don’t commit, right? That’s what they’re known for? Maybe they’re awesome to hang out with. Maybe they’re funny. Maybe they’re great in bed (you wouldn’t keep sexing them otherwise, right). Whatever it is, I’ve always found it fascinating that the way some girls talk about these Fuckboys it’s as if she had no part in the non-relationship at all. It’s as if he just showed up and thrust this “what are we” relationship onto her without her having any agency about it.

That’s not how people relate and, as everyone knows in 2017, girls are just as capable of directing relationships as men are, so, when a Fuckboy doesn’t commit, doesn’t call, he thinks he’s telling you what kind of relationship he wants. Then, later, when he does call and the girl is mad he’s confused so he apologizes and says he won’t do it again.

However, he will because he’s told you over and over again through his actions that the two of you aren’t a thing and, worse, the girl has probably never asked more of him and has just hoped he’ll “get it.”

He won’t. Ever. He’s been telling you since day one what kind of relationship you have. Why won’t you listen to him?

Your hopes are not his responsibility just because you had sex.

4. When You Keep Coming Back To Us, We Believe We Have An Understanding

This ties into three. When a Fuckboy doesn’t call, doesn’t write, doesn’t text, whatever, he’s telling you “this is the kind of relationship we have.” When he comes back and wants to hook up and you say “you didn’t call” and then you still hook up with him he learns not to take you seriously.

Specifically, he learns that you don’t know what you want. He learns that you’ll still hook up with him even if he does things that hurt you for reasons he doesn’t understand. And you know what, he won’t try to understand, ever, because the type of relationship the two of you have isn’t the kind where he has to try…because you’ve let him come back and now he thinks the two of you have an understanding.

A Fuckboy doesn’t owe anyone anything. Just because a girl might sleep with him doesn’t mean he then has to have a relationship with her. He doesn’t have to do anything. He’s a person and people can do whatever they want with their lives. Sex doesn’t create an obligation.

5. We’re Held To A Standard You Aren’t

I’ve known tons of girls who’ve slept around and then not committed to the guys whose destroyed lives they left in their wake. We call these girls “heartbreakers” and it’s a compliment. We don’t stoop to a bitter term like “Fuckboy” to try and make ourselves feel better about a girl not loving us.

The thing is, guys know that if they get feelings and they’re not reciprocated then it’s nobody’s fault but their own. They might be desperately in love but unless they have mental problems a guy isn’t going to think “she owes me her love” because he knows that the truth is he just lost out to someone she likes better.

That’s how life is. Sometimes you don’t get what you want. You may want that Fuckboy but he doesn’t want you. That doesn’t make him a monster. That just makes him someone you can’t have and the notion that a Fuckboy has to want to date and text and call just because they want sex is a weirdly puritanical sentiment from a generation who would absolutely flip their shit if a man said to a woman “we just had sex so now you have to date me.”

6. Guess What, We Want Love Too!

All Fuckboys, all men, want love. We may not want to commit right now and we may flake and hurt someone’s feelings but we want love. We’re human. We do things we’ll regret later, sometimes on accident, sometimes on purpose, sometimes because we’re oblivious. That doesn’t make Fuckboys any different from the girls they know who, like them, are also stumbling through life trying to figure it out and trying to find love.

7. You May Curse Fuckboys But We’re Always There For You

As much shit is talked about Fuckboys you’d think that soon there won’t be any but think again. The Fuckboy is eternal. Why? Because Fuckboys are there for you.

Are you single and lonely and just had a terrible day? Ring up your Fuckboy, tell him you’re lonely, and before you know it he’ll be there to fill the void in your life and then leave the next day or even the same day. He won’t leave you hanging. He’ll always be there for you in exactly the way he said he’d be there.

Girls need Fuckboys the same way guys need fuck buddies. They’re someone you can be friends with, sort of. They’re a kind of ally in navigating a life that can be very hard, and confusing, and lonely. So, let’s all do ourselves a favor and quit acting like Fuckboys have all this power and responsibility that they simply don’t have.

If you don’t want to fuck a Fuckboy then don’t. If you do, then don’t complain that he’s not your Forever Person after the fact. You knew what he was about and maybe that’s even why you wanted him. Don’t get it twisted just because he doesn’t want to meet your parents. TC mark