21 Things People Do That Will Single-Handedly Ruin A Hook Up
By Johanna Mort
1. They ask if it’s cool that they Snapchat their ex halfway through.
2. They ask you to call them “Daddy” and then they start calling you “Mommy” and asking why you never loved them like you loved their brother, Brian.
3. When you’re starting to take off each other’s clothes, and they insist everything needs to be folded or hung up.
4. They refuse to break eye contact. Ever. They’re not even blinking.
5. You’re about to orgasm, and then they spoil Game of Thrones.
6. When you’re role-playing, and they insist on being Bill from Freaks and Geeks.
7. The Spotify playlist you’re listening to starts playing Nelly Furtado’s “I’m Like A Bird,” and you flashback to your cousin’s bar mitzvah when your bubbe started hitting on the caterer.
8. They want to try something they read about in Fifty Shades of Grey, because their mom recommended it.
9. They start whisper-singing “A Whole New World” from Aladdin in your ear, and when you ask them to stop, they transition to “Friend Like Me.”
10. They ask if their life-size Stormtrooper can watch.
11. They start sobbing uncontrollably and lamenting why Jordan had to leave them.
12. They constantly ask if you’re liking it, and then ask about your opinion on Indiana’s religious freedom law.
13. With each thrust, they call out a Harry Potter spell. Expecto patronum! Wingardium leviosa!
14. They ask you to remind them that they need to pick up a prescription for an infection after you leave.
15. They start calling out the wrong name, and when you correct them, they apologize and explain, “That’s their cousin’s name.”
16. They start to recite R. Kelly’s “Trapped In The Closet.”
17. They need to change positions, because their goldfish doesn’t have a good view otherwise.
18. They wanna do some dirty talk and start listing off all of their favorite foods.
19. You starting nibbling on their ear, and they warn you to be careful because they’re not totally sure when they cleaned there last.
20. They grasp the nape of your neck, and you’re like, oh yeahhhh, and then they marvel at how “thin and fragile” your neck is, and they could probably “snap it like a twig.”
21. Their name is Howard Stern.