How To Play It Cool
Consider what you are about to say then reduce it by 75%. ?Hysterical people tend to be verbose. Verbose people tend to come off as hysterical even if they aren’t. When you are going to send an e-mail or text, the point of which is to break the fourth wall in some way (confront someone, attempt to define your relationship, any number of probably ill-advisable actions) you will feel inclined to write a thousand words more than you ought to. Here’s a tip: delete any sentences that make character accusations, that state your assumptions about that person’s behavior/thoughts as fact, or that use any emotionally-charged words more intense than ‘feel’ (i.e. “I feel really bad because…” versus “I am absolutely devastated because…”).
If you have more than three cocktails, lock up your phone. ??Here is the problem with the collision between alcohol and insecurity. The latter sucks, but at least sober you’re likely to be inhibited enough to refrain from texting anything and instead just furtively check every minute and a half to see if you have any messages. Drunk you’ll be like, “Haaaaiiiiii I got this, I’m cool, just gonna break the ice and see wassuuuuup.” This may not be the worst thing in the world, but one brief or delayed response and you turn into everyone’s favorite villain, Dozen Texts Typo Psycho.
If you think you’re being ignored, don’t ask if you are. ?Here’s why. If you are being ignored, you’re just digging your own grave. If you aren’t being ignored, you look like a psycho. Rule of thumb, if you haven’t gotten a response to something and you think it’s a good idea to follow up, wait twice the time you’ve already waited. Believe it or not, some people go to work and take naps and close their laptops on occasion. It may not actually be personal.
No passive-aggressive social media updates. Ever. ?This should be self-explanatory but allow me to elaborate: no pointed song lyrics, no suggestive/ sexy messages to other people meant to elicit jealousy, no pictures of you having a GrEaT tImE after a breakup or fight, no threats, no talk of depression, etc.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”