Thought Catalog

Joe Veix

Joe Veix is a writer who contributes to The New Yorker, McSweeney's, The Awl, and Someecards.

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“It’s time I told you something, Jimmy.” He spoke carefully, like he’d been preparing for this moment his whole life. “You aren’t from here.” “I’m from another planet?” “No. You’re from New Jersey.” “Oh my God!”

You might be wondering why I’m yelling! In this subway car! In short declarative sentences! It’s a medical condition! Similar to Tourette’s! It causes one to constantly yell! Like a panhandler! 3,000 people are cursed with it in the continental United States alone! There is no cure!

Everyone knows that natural disasters are messages from God. Obviously, they aren’t warnings for us to increase investments in things like more resilient infrastructure, streamlined evacuation plans, or eco-friendly policies. Why waste our money on fascistic things like stronger levees, or reinforced foundations? That’s Big Brother, pal!

For most people, writing is a bad cocktail mixed in a slapdash manner: two parts nagging anxiety, shaken with one part frightened procrastination. Fear not. Being a very important writer of enormous acclaim, I can help you with my simple twelve step process.