Interview with Mom
Please explain what wi-fi is.
I never heard about that.
Yes you have; I told you it’s wireless internet, like with a router.
You never said wi-fier, you told me the router.
Exactly, what is a router?
Router is when you have a computer already, and then you want to buy a new computer, so you share with the old computer so you need a router.
That’s an interesting way of putting it, and partially correct. How does one connect to a router?
One means me?
Well, I meant “humans in general,” but effectively, you.
How do I connect? You call Comcast.
No, Comcast can set the modem up which the router connects to, but you’ll (via Dad, obviously) need to set the router up yourself. The cable provider is not concerned with routers, the same way Dad was not concerned with my well-being. Do you know what a modem is?
I heard last time you tried to buy me a computer you mentioned it.
I was trying to explain to you how the internet “comes into” the house. Okay, let’s move on to email. What is the difference between reply, reply all, and forward?
Reply you just answer people; reply all is the people email you and cc to other people, so you reply to all the cc person; forward is when you get some email you like it so you forward to friend.
Okay, that was actually very accurate. Very nice. What is a browser?
Like Safari, Firefox, and Explorer. Do you know what those are?
When you are, as you say “in the internet,” you are looking at a browser, the window through which you are interfacing. Now do you understand?
I give you the ending. Okay: Internet computer to me means I can read my friend’s email and I can write email to them. And we can share something interesting and knowledge information.
That is great, however, what about buying plane tickets, or finding out the hours of or directions to a restaurant, or learning racist jokes?
That is your father’s job.
I know, that was a rhetorical question. What is the difference between your email account and a blog?
Blog is when my friends have pictures they want me to see.
No, those are Picassa, Shutterfly and Flickr albums. I know because you’ve forced me in the past to view these kinds of photos.
No, my friends say blog.
I highly doubt your friends have blogs, or have said the word “blog,” but whatever. What are these pictures you and your friends are sending to one another?
Travel pictures or babies.
Okay, and regarding the latter, just for the records, again, I am not having kids anytime soon, if ever. Do you know that when you forward me a 15MB power point of morally didactic quotes accompanied by nature shots or babies or cute animals that I immediately delete them?
So then why do you keep sending them to me?
Because I hope one day you have nothing to do and open it you will find those great messages.
Fair enough, thanks Mom. I appreciate the thought.
How’s my hair color?
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If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.