Diagnosing Depressives in Popular Film
Edward Scissorhands (in Edward Scissorhands)
Overview: Ed is only half-human, and his maker died before he was finished. He has scissors for hands and deep scars all over his face. One can safely assume he is a virgin, and probably failed at masturbating. He lives on a lonely hill, at the edge of town. He looks like he would enjoy Joy Division, but alas, has no CD player. Ed is brought into town by an Avon lady, and soon falls in love with Winona Ryder’s character, a semi-shallow girl just “deep enough” to see Ed’s coy and mysterious allure, despite cruel admonishments from her shallow suburban LA valley-esque friends. But their tryst is ill-fated, via conventional cultural and personal conflict, and Ed is exiled by the town to his former home, left to render effigies of Winona’s pristine face in ice, from which gentle snow comes.
Diagnosis: Chronic depression, light Asperger’s.
Suggested Medication: Paxil, love, marijuana.
A | A | A
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.