Thought Catalog
November 18, 2010

A Gentleman’s Guide to Women’s Health

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In observance of, and keeping with, the undue authority of this contributor’s position as a man, no additional research has been made in writing this, relying solely on personal observation, to further embrace the concession that much of what follows may be entirely wrong.

(Sources: mother [M], ex-partners [gf], female friends [F], television [TV], porn [P], public education [E], internet [I], and housemates [H].)

Menopause – A hormonal imbalance which occurs at ~50 -55  yrs., after ovulation stops. This is like PMS but it can last for a decade. A common symptom are “hot flashes,” generally caused or accompanied by irritation at one’s obtuse husband. [Source(s): M, TV]

While men also have assholes, women’s assholes are an anthropologically unique place…

PMS – Premenstrual Syndrome, per its prefix, happens before menstruation and lasts for about 5-7 days, though the start and end times are often difficult to distinguish from a woman’s overall disposition; this is a time of emotional instability and severe irritability. The worst thing a man can do is attribute a woman’s mood to PMS, even though she “objectively” has PMS. The best thing for a man to do is say and look “sorry” all the time during this time, and for good measure, even when it’s not PMS. [Source(s): M, gf, F, H]

Menstruation – This is when the “stuff” that was made for the baby is released from the women, unless she’s pregnant, which is why when a woman misses her period she might be pregnant, because the body keeps that “stuff” for the baby. The “stuff” is mostly blood, but also contains chunks of baby stuff. It is possible to make love to a menstruating woman, but you will get “stuff” on your male amorous vector. Menstruation lasts for 5-7 days (i.e. a period of time), and while theoretically subsequent to PMS, seems to coincide with it. [Source(s): M, gf, E]

Ovulation – Now it’s getting complicated. This is when a woman’s egg travels from the ovaries into the cervix. This is the start of her calendar—not lunar, perhaps lunatic. An easy way to think of it is: a) if the egg is not fertilized, she b) gets pissed off about it, then c) menstruates. She is menstruating or PMS-ing for a week and a half, and there’s another week where something else weird is going on, so there’s only ~1.5 week(s) per month when she can get pregnant. To take advantage of this and have sex when she can’t get pregnant is called the “rhythm method,” which sounds jazz related, but isn’t, unless one employs the Rusty Trombone. [Source(s): gf, F, H, E]

Weight – Most women struggle with either the perception of their weight, or their actual weight. “Chubby girls” or “fat chicks,” at the bottom of the female paradigm, likely become the target of explicit cruelty, or worse, passive-aggressive sympathy. This is why some girls develop anorexia and bulimia, or just get fat. Female self- and/or distorted-image issues are more about other women than about men. A girl who has normal weight, and isn’t a bitch about it, is considered relatively well-adjusted. [Source(s): M, gf, F, H]

Vulva – This may be the labia, I don’t know. [Source: none]

Labia – This may be the vulva, I don’t know. [Source: none]

Vagina – This either refers to the “hole,” or the canal. I think the word is used generically. [Source(s): M (birth only), gf, E]

Clitoris – This is congruent to the head of the penis. In fact, as embryos, they’re the same thing. This is not to be confused with the G-spot, which is located on the underside of the pubic bone, estimated (c/o “second base” or masturbation) at the end of a curled index finger. The clitoris is a pearl-like knobby thing at the top of the vulva or labia (whatever those are). Clits can be (c/o God’s design) inadvertently stimulated during  “missionary” coitus; intentionally with fingers; or during cunnilingus, of which they’re the foci. [Source(s): gf, P, E]

Orgasm – A modern paradox and/or quandary is the female orgasm. There are many theories on what to attribute a female orgasm to, including, but not limited to: the G-spot, anal sex, clitoral stimulation, actual “love,” penile girth and/or length, duration of foreplay and/or penetration, etc. What further mystifies the female orgasm is the concession by women that they “fake it,” juxtaposed with the adamant claims from men regarding the verity of the orgasms they supposedly incite. [Source(s): gf, P, F]

Creampie – After a man ejaculates into a woman, there is a 2-3 minute period before her vagina walls contract back into a non-aroused state that she can force the ejaculate out, using the same “pushing” diaphragm movements as going to the bathroom. The resultant excretion (90% ejaculate, 10% intrinsic fluid), when aestheticized for porn, is known as a “creampie”; when it leaks out of the woman upon standing, it is just life. [Source(s): P, gf]

Pubis – The is either the pubic bone, or the pubic hair. The pubic bone is part of her skeleton, which this contributor discourages the cognizance of during coitus. Pubic hair, when not perennially trimmed, becomes a “wild bush” (c. 1960 – 1970s); when trimmed (c. 1980s – present), it can be stylized many ways to be indicative of one’s personality, similar to the moustache. [Source(s): misc.]

Sponge – This is like a “plug” that, well, plugs up the cervix, preventing the semen from entering the cervix, where the egg is. [Source(s): E, gf, I]

Female condom – Somewhat absurd, a female condom is basically a plastic bag that is placed inside the vagina to catch the semen. Think of it as a very loose condom that women who don’t have faith in men wear. [Source(s): E, I]

Douche – As a noun, it is a contraption similar to a turkey baster. As a verb, it is what a woman does with said baster, namely, squirt saline water in her vagina to clean it. Ones that come with a bag are considered “douchebags,” a word which has acquired etymological and cultural significance for identifying men who overestimate their courting prospects, the allusion being that they are vagina refuse material. [Source(s): E, I, F]

Asshole – While men also have assholes, women’s assholes are an anthropologically unique place, given that their evolution into an erogenous zone has no evolutionary implications (i.e. conceiving offspring). Many, if not most, men fetishize a woman’s asshole as some “forbidden tight Freudian hole,” into which they brave their glistening members. In porn, women who engage in anal sex get enemas before their performance, maintaining the illusion/delusion that fecal matter is somehow unrelated to anal sex. This is called dreaming. [Source(s): P]

Love – This is believed, by those once afflicted by it, to be a rumor. [Source(s): gf, M] TC mark

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