1. A deadly strain of chlamydia threatens to wipe out Australia’s koala population.
Despite the fact that they’re cute and fluffy, koalas are tireless sexual athletes who fuck their brains out when they aren’t getting stoned on eucalyptus leaves. This particular strain of chlamydia is thought to have already infected about half of Oz’s koala population. Scientists are feverishly working on a vaccine; failing that, they are developing a “clean” population of chlamydia-free koalas in New Zealand that may be used to repopulate Australia should the current crop of Aussie koalas all die from having “the clam.”
2. It’s not only mammals—birds, insects, and reptiles can also develop STDs.
This unfortunate and disturbing fact leaves us with two options: Either human STDs aren’t divine retribution and are therefore merely a biological menace, or God is a complete asshole who seeks to wipe out every one of his creations that dares to have sex.
3. Birds can transmit a form of chlamydia to cats.
It’s doubtful that birds and cats desire one another sexually, but the C. pistacci bacterium, which causes a form of feline chlamydia, can be spread from birds to cats, presumably during violent encounters.
4. Birds can also transmit that same form of chlamydia to humans.
Moral of the story: Don’t have sex with birds.
5. Atlantic bottlenose dolphins can get genital warts.
What’s worse, dolphins don’t have arms and thus can’t use those canister thingies where you freeze off your genital warts right before a hot date.
6.The rabbit community is a festering stinkhole of syphilis.
Not only do rabbits fuck like rabbits, they carry syphilis as if they were all truck-stop hookers. When studying syphilis, researchers tend to focus on these filthy little syphilitic fuck-monsters.
7. It is generally accepted that human HIV is a mutation of an immunodeficiency virus that strikes monkeys and chimps.
The human form of HIV-1 is thought to be a mutation of a similar viral strain found among chimpanzees in west-central Africa. HIV-2 corresponds with an immunodeficiency virus found among the white-collared monkey. Theories vary as to how the virus was able to mutate and infect the first human, with one of the most popular being that a hunter became infected by eating the flesh of his primate prey.
8. Cats have their own form of AIDS.
Feline Immunodeficiency Virus, like human HIV, is transmitted between cats via the exchange of bodily fluids. If your cat is seeking a mate, you would do well to extensively research that potential paramour’s sexual history.
9. Cats have their own form of herpes, too, but it is not primarily transmitted through kitty sex.
Feline herpes is a respiratory illness that is potentially—but not mainly—spread through kitty debauchery.
10. Dogs can also get herpes.
Canine Herpesvirus can be transmitted between dogs while in the throes of carnal bliss. It is also easily spread from a female bitch—hey, I’m not being sexist, that’s the proper term for girl dogs—to her unborn puppies. If infected, puppies often die within two days of birth.
11. Tasmanian Devils face extinction due to a form of deadly facial tumor that’s spread through mating.
Just south of Australia lies the mysterious island of Tasmania, where sexual rambunctiousness among the isle’s namesake Devils has led to an epidemic of sexually transmitted facial cancer.
12. Dogs can also transmit such deadly tumors to one another through sex.
Canine Transmissible Venereal Tumor affects the male dog’s penile sheath and the bitch’s vaginal lining. It can be spread through either intercourse or licking—just like most human STDs!
13.The most common STD in the animal kingdom is Brucellosis.
Also known as undulant fever, it causes testicular inflammation, uterine infections, and miscarriage. The bacteria has been found among rats, goats, deer, and dogs. Symptoms include vomiting, fatigue, diarrhea, dizziness, and depression.
14.You can get several infections from having sex with animals.
As well as Brucellosis, human-animal sexual relations can infect the hapless human pervert with Weil’s disease, rabies, Q fever, echinococcosis, and giardia. You can also contract flea tapeworm and pork tapeworm. Yuck!
15. Humans originally acquired gonorrhea from cattle.
And it wasn’t from playing Yahtzee.
16.Humans originally acquired syphilis from cattle or sheep.
Again—the culprit here was overt “friendliness.”
17.You can theoretically contract a human STD from having sex with an animal, provided that the animal has recently had sex with other humans.
It is thought that human pathogens can remain alive in animal bodily fluids for a short window of time, so if you’re poking around in some animal’s ass that still contains remnants of the bodily fluids from a previous human encounter, that animal’s hindquarters may serve as a gateway to transmitting an STD from another human to you.