1. ’Tis better to give than receive.
Fine. Give me everything you have.
2. I can’t complain.
I’ve heard you do it hundreds of times.
3. It can’t get any worse.
Not even if I stab you?
4. What you see is what you get.
Problem is, you can’t see AIDS.
5. Good things come to those who wait.
Ever wait for a city bus?
6. I don’t give a rat’s ass.
And I have trouble believing anyone requested one from you.
7. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
I’ve done this every time I’ve had cake.
8. The sun will come out tomorrow.
Yeah, and then it will get dark again—just like today and yesterday.
9. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Not from the other side, it isn’t.
10. It can’t be denied.
Yes, it can. I’m denying it right now.
11. The Lord helps those who help themselves.
That must make the Lord’s job tremendously easy. Sounds like the Lord’s a little lazy.
12. You’re tellin’ me!
Yeah, I know. That’s why I just told you.
13. It’s the thought that counts.
No, it’s your failed execution of the thought that counts.
14. All politics is local.
Except for the state, national, and global politics.
15. Love the sinner, but hate the sin.
The sin is usually fun, but the sinner’s usually a douchebag.
16. I’m cautiously optimistic.
You’re extremely frightened and worried.
17. He’s a real fish out of water.
No, or he would have died a long, long time ago.
18. This is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.
So let me do it to you instead.
19. Hindsight is 20/20.
Only if you were born with eyeballs in your ass.
20. It’s a long, long way to Tipperary.
Not if you live in Tipperary.
21. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
So why say even that?
22. Your days are numbered.
And everyone else’s are limitless?
23. It’s all good.
Tell that to a rape victim.
24. I live my life one day at a time.
Like you actually have a choice to live two days at a time.
25. I gave it 110%.