The largest vagina ever recorded is thought to have belonged to seven-foot eight-inch Anna Swan (1846-1888), a long-legged Scottish temptress who once plopped out a 26-pound baby, the biggest bambino recorded in world history. Although I was unable to uncover any recorded evidence of her vagina’s exact dimensions, it’s safe to assume you could comfortably fit a flat-screen TV in there.
The annals of medicine are crammed with accounts of women whose functional adult vaginas were less than an inch in depth. Other women are born with little dents in the pubic area rather than fully developed vaginas. Extensive surgery, lubrication, and patience can help ameliorate this problem. The smallest vaginas, though, are the ones that don’t even exist. Roughly one in 5,000 female babies are born sans vagina. How, then, do doctors know they’re female? I suppose because they complain a lot. But surgeons are now able to fashion fake vaginas for these unfortunate infants.
Women are so sensitive
Although most clitorises are far smaller than most penises, they contain twice as many nerve endings as the larger, dumber male organ.
Clits are big enough to be dicks
In 1744, Sir Edward Home described a native woman in the West Indies whose clitoris, when aroused, was three inches long and thicker than a thumb. Around the same time, a Swiss biologist claims to have examined a gal whose swee’pea measured a robust seven inches. And an 1813 account in a French encyclopedia mentions a woman with a 12-inch clitoris resembling “the neck of a goose.”
I got buddha in my vagina
Eastern religions seem generally more cunt-friendly than those in the vadge-hating West. For example, Tantric Buddhism pinpoints the essence of Buddhahood—it nestles within a woman’s private parts. And the word “cunt” is derived from Cunti, one of many titles accorded Hinduism’s bitch-goddess Kali.
Although the legend of “vagina dentata”—a pussy with teeth poised to rip off the male organ—is known to be a myth, there is some evidence that certain women have vaginal muscles strong enough to clamp down on the male organ and prevent it from withdrawing. Known clinically as penis captivus, it is thought to be caused by involuntary spasms in the levator ani muscles deep in the vagina, which hold onto the penis head and refuse to let it go until it pays child support.
Twice the darkness
In rare cases women are born with two vaginas, which, one presumes, would make them twice as annoying.
Orgasms are good for you
Orgasms alleviate menstrual cramps because the force of the special moment’s muscular contractions helps cleanse the woman’s dainty bits of the gunky fluids that accrete during her cycle. Orgasms also cure headaches because they release endorphins into the bloodstream.
Like the eye, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ. During a normal menstrual cycle, a woman’s vagina will spew forth a total of two to six tablespoons of blood. During ovulation, her punani will burp up one or two teaspoons of liquid discharge in order to clear the cervix of dead cells. The rest of the month, her cooter will spit forth only a half-teaspoon of fluid per day.
A germ-infested slime pit
The average human girl-gash is host to 15 different strains of bacteria, “good germs” designed to ward off the renegade “bad germs” which can invade a vagina and make life hell for everyone.
Scientists for bush
Some physiologists argue that hairy vaginas prevent friction and create a pleasant cushioning effect during intercourse. A full bush can also retain vaginal odors that some men find enticing. The longest female pubic hair on record measured 28 inches, which is pushing it.
One happy snapper
The world record for most orgasms belongs to a dame who came 134 times in one hour. The longest continuous female orgasm clocked in at 43 seconds and featured 25 contractions.
I thought it was a fire extinguisher
The Hite Report…uh…reported that the phallic object used most often by female masturbators is the candle.
New hope for men with one-inch dicks
The first inch of the vaginal canal is by far the most “pleasure-receptive,” according to Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton.
A CUNT by any Other Name
A list of several delightful words and phrases to use when you really mean to say “vagina”
CRADLE OF FILTH
JACK STRAW’S CASTLE
MAP OF TASMANIA
MARK OF THE BEAST
MOTHER OF ALL SOULS
RUSTY AXE WOUND
SMELLY JELLY HOLE
WOUND THAT NEVER HEALS, THE