August 19, 2013

Fun Penis Facts

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Straight talk About Erections

A healthy male averages 11 erections per day—nine of them while asleep. After ejaculating, it can take him anywhere from two minutes to two weeks to achieve another erection.

Gallons of cum

The average man shoots one to two teaspoons of cum per orgasm. During his life, he will cum over 7,000 times, resulting in 14 gallons o’ jizz, give or take a few drops. Each load contains approximately seven calories, and each spurt whizzes through the air at around 28 MPH.

From shower to grower

On average, a limp penis will increase in volume 300% when it is erect. It will also contain more than eight to ten times its normal amount of blood.

big ones

The biggest erect penis ever recorded was 13.5 inches. Researchers estimate that fewer than 5,000 men on earth have a penis 11 inches or larger.

Small ones

History tells the sad tale of many men whose full erections didn’t even stretch out to a half-inch. Scientists refer to this condition as “micropenis,” which can be surgically remedied to the point where the sufferer can boast of a still-laughable post-op three-inch schween. For every 35 or so pounds that a man gains, his penis will appear an inch smaller. Napoleon was rumored to be totin’ a notoriously small cock, causing him to freak out and attempt conquering the world. The ancient Greeks favored itty-bitty male organs, deeming them more visually pleasing than veiny purple power tools.

The myth is a tiny bit true

The Kinsey Report verified the longstanding rumor that black men have larger penises than whitey. The average black male’s hard-on measures 6.3 inches, leaving the white man far behind at a pitiful mean of 6.2 inches.

Boys will be boys

Male fetuses can sport wood during the third trimester, according to Ultrasound tests.

Smells like a boner

Aromas reputed to increase penile blood flow: licorice, pumpkin pie, lavender, donuts, and chocolate.

Super-duper sperm scooper

Scientists have recently speculated that the head of the human penis evolved into its current “mushroom” shape in order to scoop rival males’ sperm out of the vagina.

Smite there land and sever their penises

Around 1300 B.C., victorious Egyptian troops marched home with more than 13,000 severed Libyan penises. Seven hundred years later, Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar rolled over Jerusalem and sliced off thousands of Jewish weenies.

Testifying on testicles

In pre-biblical times, men would swear on their own penises. The word “testify” is derived from a Roman legal practice of swearing on one’s testicles. The word “penis” comes from the Latin word for “tail.”

Double trouble

In 1609, an Italian physician documented the first case of a man with diphallasparatus two or more penises). This ultra-rare condition has since been found in less than 80 men.

Not so pleased to meet you

Australia’s Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking one another’s penises.

Longest money shot

Medical researchers once recorded a man whose wad sailed a staggering 11.7 feet. The best I can manage is to squirt myself in the face every so often.

What’s another word for dick?

My Favorite Penile Euphemisms

ACTION JACKSON
ALBINO CAVE DWELLER
APPLE-HEADED MONSTER
BALD HERMIT
BALONEY PONY
BAVARIAN BEEFSTICK
BEAVER BUSTER
BEEF BUGLE
BIG JAKE THE ONE-EYED SNAKE
BILBO BAGGINS
BLOOD-ENGORGED MAYONNAISE CANNON
BLOW POP
BOB DOLE
BONE PHONE
BOWLEGGED SWAMP DONKEY
BREAKFAST BURRITO
BUSHWHACKER
CAPTAIN WINKY
CATTLE PROD
CHICKSICLE
CHOWDER DUMPER
CORNDOG
CRIMSON CHITLIN’
CYCLOPS
DANGLING PARTICIPLE
DINGUS
DIPSTICK
DOLPHIN
DOODLE DANDY
DOUGHNUT HOLDER
EL CAPITAN
EXCALIBUR
FALLOPIAN FIDDLER
FLAPDOODLE
FLESHY WINNEBAGO
FUCKSTICK
GASH MALLET
GHERKIN
GIGGLE-STICK
GULLY-RAKER
HE WHO MUST BE OBEYED
HEAT-SEEKING MOISTURE MISSILE
HOG
HOMEWRECKER
HOMO ERECTUS
JOJO THE CIRCUS CLOWN
KIDNEY-SCRAPER
KOJAK
LICKIN’ STICK
LITTLE WILLY
MEAT MUSKET
MENSTRUAL MINER
MR. CLEAN
MR. MOJO RISIN’
MUSCLE OF LOVE
NEBUCHADNEZZAR
OLD BLIND BOB
ONE-EYED JACK
OVARIAN POOL STICK
PAJAMA PYTHON
PURPLE-HEADED WOMB BROOM
RECTUM ROOTER
SCHLONGMASTER 2000
SCHMECKEL
SNAPPER SLAPPER
SQUIRMIN’ HERMAN THE ONE-EYED GERMAN
STRUMPET THUMPER
TACO WARMER
TALLYWHACKER
THUNDERSTICK
TROUSER TROMBONE
VERGA
VERVE PIPE
VLAD THE IMPALER
WEE WILLY WINKY
WHAMMY BAR
WHORE THERMOMETER
WIGGLE STICK
WOMB BROOM
WONGUS TC mark

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