To My 17 Year-Old Self After Her First Real Breakup, Keep On Loving

You’re going to want to call him out of no where.

It’ll be half a year later and you’re awake at 3:42AM and suddenly you’ll be nostalgic for a voice you can barely remember. But please, don’t do it. Remember that though there is a part of you that wants to hold on, there is a larger part of you that knows this isn’t what’s best for you. There is strength in saying to yourself – This was wonderful in the moment, but that’s where it should stay: in that moment.

Be sad about it. Be really, really sad about it.

Cry it out for a week. Eat some ice-cream (or a lot). Watch cheesy romantic comedies and complain about how true love doesn’t exist. Then get off your ass and conquer your empire again.

Write more. Create more. Love more.

Spread all that left-over love that you have and invest in things that make you happy. Invest your love wisely, but also widely. But more than anything, love loudly. Never let one person change the way you love. Never let yourself harbor love or hide it away in fear. Open your heart again, it’s the only way it heals.

Fake it until you make it. Take selfies of yourself laughing. Dance around your room to your favourite song. Smile more and smile wider. Because after a while of pretending to be happy, you’ll see that there are so many good things in your life. Because after a while of pretending to be happy, these small things that make you happy make the difference. That after a while of pretending to be happy, you’ll realize you’re not pretending anymore.

Don’t wait to throw everything away. Because you will go back to them. You will go back to his words and hate him more and more each time. You will go back to moments embedded in pictures that only you two can recall, and you will despise yourself for remembering them. Your heart can’t take the lack of love you’re depriving of yourself. Keeping the handwritten letters, the photographs, the text messages, and the necklace he gave to you doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone. Don’t let his presence linger in the small spaces of your room. Don’t let the thought of him occupy the spaces in your head. There is truth in out of sight, out of mind. Let him go.

Always remember that success is the best revenge.

When you’re close to mentioning his name, when you can feel the letters slipping through your grasp, hold your tongue. Think about him all you want, but never let anyone, especially yourself, catch you speaking about him. Removing his name from your vocabulary isn’t a sign of fragility, it is a sign of growth. That’s your past, so keep it there.

There are some things that will never be the same for you. You may never be able to pass that train station without reminiscing on the memories you had there. You may never be able to hear that song without an excruciating urge to change the radio station. You may never be able to smell that scent and resist nostalgia. They will all remind you of him, and that’s okay.

Time heals most wounds, but not all. There are scars on your heart that will always be there.

Some days they will be more prominent, some days you won’t even remember how they happened, but they will always be there. One day they will remind you of a fight you lost, but another day they will seemingly be remnants of a battle you survived.

I cannot wait for you to see a world where you recognize the love you have for yourself outweighs the love any boy could ever have for you.

Soon you’ll see a world where self-love is more expressive and much more valuable. Soon you’ll see that love from even the right man, is nothing more than just a love which will only complement your own.

You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. I wish you knew the capacity and influence of the potential you possess. I wish you knew, while sitting on your bedroom floor – a hole in your heart and a stream down your face – that beyond this are infinite amounts of good things awaiting you. I wish you knew, while you sat blankly with feelings of regret and heartbreak, that your heart was making room for moments that right now feels unimaginable.

I wish you knew that there is an entire universe inside of you you’ve yet to discover.