How To Survive A Bad Haircut
When it comes to my hair, I’ve tried a lot of different things. Christened a “dirty blonde,” I’ve always tried to rock the color with lots of different styles. I’ve done the classic “Rachel,” had bangs, grown them out, and then cut them again, and even tried that Victoria Beckham super-short-in-the-back-and-longer-in-the-front look.
I recently had my hair cut for the first time in six months. I envisioned a long-layered face frame and trimmed bangs, and explained it in basic terms without a care in the world. For the first time, I walked out disappointed. In my desperation, I looked to the internet for advice about what to do when your haircut makes you look like one of the aliens from Galaxy Quest. What I found was a collection of annoying optimistic tips, to which I had much more realistic responses.
1. Hate it? Say something! Most hairdressers want to make you happy, they should try to amend the situation.
For starters, I love my hairdresser. I’ve been loyal to her for years. Not to mention the fact that I’m an incredibly non-confrontational person, so this one’s a no. Besides, I didn’t completely realize just how short and uneven my bangs were until I got home, so….
2. Didn’t realize how bad the cut is until you got home? Go back right away and say something.
Shoot, it’s already been five hours. The “right away” period is over. This is not at all an excuse to avoid confrontation.
3. Okay, give in to the breakdown. Let yourself cry/scream/curse for a little while.
I’m really, really good at this step.
4. Get ahold of yourself. You can’t actually change the situation.
I’m not as good at this step. I’m choosing instead to whine to my friends, family, and long hair-loving boyfriend about my devastating situation. My boyfriend’s response, offering to follow suit and style his hair as another Galaxy Quest character, is tempting.
5. Maybe it’s not as bad as you think! Wash and style your hair on your own, everyone’s hair always looks a little different right after a cut and blow dry.
Agreed, my hair always looks different than normal leaving the hairdresser, as in it actually has volume because she teases the roots so my hair looks like something other than a helmet.
However, I have just showered and realized that my bangs are SO short, that after rinsing all my hair back and stepping out of the shower, the bangs stick straight up. I now decide that I look like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals. In looking up Alfalfa images, I realize that Bug Hall, the actor who played this iconic character, was in that Get a Clue movie on Disney Channel with Lindsay Lohan, and in Honey We Shrunk Ourselves with Rick Moranis. Mind blown. This serves as a momentary distraction from the tragedy that is my head. Alright, back to my Alfalfa hair. Pause to attack with blow dryer.
Unfortunately, my hair is still awkwardly hitting my shoulders and flipping out in every direction. Shocker.
6. Avoid blasting your hair with heat, like blow dryers or straighteners. If you want your hair to grow, it’s best to keep it healthy! If you can’t resist, always use a heat protecting serum.
WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS BEFORE STYLING?! Okay, in the future, I’ll just air dry.
7. Take prenatal vitamins. They tend to make your hair and nails grow more quickly.
I cannot believe I’m seriously considering this.
8. Wear a hat.
Seeing as it’s the middle of June, I am not at a baseball game or a beach, and am not, in fact, Lady Gaga: No.
9. Still feel like your head got caught in a weed whacker? Try styling with headbands, bobby pins, or even glitter hair gel!
Weed whacker, yes. Glitter hair gel? Um, no. And headbands make me look like a five-year-old. Oh wait, this step was found on a website for children. Do children really worry this much about their hair? My guess is no since they can get away with glittery hair gel.
10. When all else fails, smile! Do your best to rock that hair. Maybe your dazzling pearly whites will distract everyone from your hair!
Shoot, I’ve been meaning to use those whitestrip things on my teeth. Are my teeth white enough? Why haven’t I been using that mouthwash?
11. Remember, hair grows!
Finally, some solid advice. At the very least, this should help with step number ten.
A | A | A
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.