This past year has been filled with incredibly high highs, and more recently, low lows. I see today as a second chance at life, another opportunity to embrace the chaos and find simplicity in the everyday. I think after my breakup last year, I had a drive and zest for life that started as initially positive – but became unsustainable in terms of my physical and mental wellbeing. I somehow pushed myself into my new relationship, my new passion for public health, and my internship at the food bank.
How quickly I lost the drive to help myself.
How quickly I lost compassion to those who matter most.
How quickly I became wrapped up in my own neuroses – while pretending I was thriving at life.
What I realize now is how hard it is to accept the vast unknown while keeping the integrity and importance of my true self.
Gone are the days of:
– craving meaningless manifestations of stress
– putting myself, my true self, last
– lashing out on myself and others in order to feel something
– replacing reality with alcohol, drugs, etc.
The clearness and clarity I feel right now is something I hope to keep control of. It is imperative that I focus back to basics, back to what made me me. I feel immense shame in the perpetual sense of self-hatred I have allowed in myself. How sad it truly is to fictionalize and romanticize things and qualities I simply don’t possess.
Last Thursday was my emotional low point, I can already unquestionably know this fact. Yet, after the clarity came and the confusion surely mounted in my boyfriend, I KNEW, for the first time in my life, of who I was. Every insignificant and meaningful trait and tick became so apparent that it was simple to suddenly stop fighting the current of my life. I finally was able to step back, kick my feet up before me, and settle into the unknown. I feel weightless now. The dark and seemingly endless clouds of despair have parted above me. I have a newfound sense of purpose and gratitude for my stupid and simple life.
I’m not quite sure what spawned these incredibly unhealthy mental breaks, or how I or no one else recognized them – but I’m here now.
Exactly where I’m supposed to be, staring out against the darkness, ready for the darkness to stare back at me.
I’m leaving behind my need of detachment, from myself and others. I believe the detaching and numbing was what drew me to reckless behaviors. I need to work on handling my stress. Both situational and mental stress. The real and unexplainable feelings.
It’s so confusing how I focused on real stress – due dates, tasks, obligations – while the mental depression/ anxiety climbed and climbed over things that weren’t real, but by doing this these things became incredibly real. To both myself and my boyfriend.
I feel such sorrow and remorse for Jalal. What I have become while I am with him. He has the truest, most compassionate soul, that I have never deserved. His heart and compassion are so encompassing that sometimes I find myself stifled by his true and selfless nature. This must be my attraction to his heart, one I simply don’t deserve. I vow to first make myself proud, then Jalal, then my family, then my friends. I have put him through so many things that he never should have sustained.
So I know now that I must treat myself better, be honest with my thoughts and feelings in order to be a good partner for him.
I can’t believe he’s still here with me. I can’t believe I’m still here.
I don’t deserve a single thing – but I know I will try to now.
I want to be proud of myself, of my life. Hopefully someday I can look back on this change as a necessary evil in reconnecting with my true belief system.
I have been unknowingly dealing with almost every demon from my past, present, and future.
A big and wholesome family no longer scares me because I can understand that I deserve it.
The epiphany is that I was the one in the way of every obstacle ahead of me. How stupid it was to create barriers in my head.
I feel that I am experiencing life in a new and vibrant light, lens, and sound. The color of my new thoughts are brilliant shades of blue and green, shooting serotonin and dopamine into my once dark and dreary veins. The red symbolizes trauma, past experience and impulses that have been keeping me from the light I have so longed for.
I must remember the pain. The pain that I’ve felt, how terrifying and ever-present. The pain symbolizes a rebirth, a magnum opus for me. Fuck, I forgot what it felt like to truly love myself, my body, and my heart.
I vow to keep my eyes clear, my head to the wondrous and mysterious sky.
It feels better here. It’s better to be me. It’s nicer in the light.
Suicide and self-harm are two topics of discussion I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand. But the past path I am thankful for. I will look my demons and feelings straight on and dissolve what they’ve tried to dissolve of me.
I am worthy of every last thing that I have. I am preset in my life now, no longer looking to the clouds of darkness.
Some sort of divine power has made me understand this in the multitude of layers of epiphanies.
I know where I have come out of. New senses have taken over my entire being. The weightless sense of self.
I like it here. I muster to stay here. I feel infinite.
Physiologically my body seems to start recognizing my mind now. I am staying up later instinctively, a habit that I’ve so missed. I’ve missed myself so much.
I can’t wait for the world to see how much I truly appreciate it for keeping me here. I’m finding the stuff, the DNA of what I’m made of, and none of it is negative. My pumping heart of blood, valves, and chambers keeps beating for me. My skin keeps absorbing the good, while saving my body from harm. My legs, all of muscle and bone, keep me walking in a rhythm of tranquility. My hair, an endless cycle of growth and vitamins, keeps growing – no matter how much of it is technically dead. My brain keeps firing its synapses that have finally brought me here.
Here to stay.