20 Thoughts Everyone Secretly Has That Prove We’re All Terrible People

We are all perpetually fighting our true nature as horrible, awful, hateful humans.

When a squirrel crosses in front of your car, at least part of you kinda wants to hit it. Just to see if you can. And because it kinda deserves it for running in front of you in the first place.

Someone announces on Facebook that they’re starting some new diet or weight loss plan and you’re like “Mmhmm. Okay.”

You see a cute stranger, notice they’re wearing a wedding ring, and briefly wonder if they’re happy or, like, maybe going to get divorced soon.

“That’s an ugly baby. A very ugly baby. It will be an ugly adult and have a miserable life. Sorry boutcha, baby.”

(At the gym) “All the spin class in the world isn’t going to make your face not ugly.”

Irrationally hating people who are nice for no reason. Like, WTF is your deal? Why are you so goddamn happy? Creep.

Some totally irresponsible acquaintance announces their pregnancy and you immediately panic for that child’s well-being.

Similarly, you see an engagement announcement on Facebook and immediately start guessing how long until they divorce (or assume they’ll never actually get married at all.)

When you see an ex’s new significant other on Facebook and realize you’re way more attractive than they are, thus confirming that your ex will never do better than you and will die with the painful regret of losing you.

“I mean, I’m not saying it’s okay that he cheated on you, but like, I get it.”

When a homeless person asks you for change and you say you don’t have any but you totally do.

When you see a really overweight person eating something unhealthy and instinctively judge them before you can remind yourself that you shouldn’t.

When you intentionally decide not to text someone back for a few days to make them feel a little insecure and establish the emotional upper hand.

You’re on Facebook and see some acquaintance from childhood who has seemingly grown into a miserable, stupid person posting some bitching/unhappy status about how awful their life is, or how annoying their kids are, and you’re can’t help but feel like they brought it on themselves by being a tragically basic drama-magnet.

Knowing you can make someone of the opposite sex do something for you by subtly dangling the remote idea that if they do, you’ll have sex with them. It’s not like you’re telling them you’ll have sex with them, or even implying it, but that’s just how their brains work. They think doing favors will lead to sex which is completely moronic but you still sometimes take advantange of their idiocy by letting them hold onto that hope to get what you want.

“Ugh, maybe I should just marry for money. I hate everyone anyway, and not working sounds pretty great.”

That inexplicable feeling when you just know someone is really boring in bed and you feel bad for every person who’s ever made the mistake of sleeping with them.