11 Ways To Be A Terrorist Ex-Boyfriend

Relationships don’t always work out the way you want them to, and more often than not, they end. Sometimes they end civilly, and sometimes, not so civilly. Either way, it’s almost never a mutual decision. When it’s not your decision to end things, you have to find ways to remind the other party that you still exist. Remind them that you are still around, and you will still be around, not matter what. It is you job as the terrorist ex-boyfriend to make her life as miserable as possible. Make sure she is never happy again.

1. Tell her, “We need to talk…” then don’t respond. You don’t really want to talk, or fix anything, you just want to make sure you’re on her mind. You have to stay on her mind, so she can’t start thinking about anyone else.
2. Show up at her job to surprise her. You know you are the last person in the world she wants to see, especially at her job, but do it anyway. You need to stay relevant. Bonus points if you show up with your mother, then she can’t get mad at you, or make you leave. She loves your mother.
3. Text her when she’s with her new dude. Wait for the moment when you know that she is truly happy with someone else, then text her to stir up drama and trouble in her new relationship. If you aren’t happy, she can’t be either.
4. Never let her “blocking” you stop you. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. So she blocked your texts and calls? Send her a Facebook message. Blocked on Facebook? Resort to Twitter, Instagram DM, e-mail, anything. This is the information age, there is always some new medium you can find for communication. Never take no for an answer.
5. Leave flowers and gifts on her car or her doorstep. Is this creepy? Stalkerish maybe? Of course not. She needs to know that you can be the sweet guy you never were when y’all were together. Take it a step further and send gifts to her job. Then none of her co-workers will try to date her, or set her up with anyone else.
6. Send her old pictures when the two of you were happy. You want to remind her of the good times…even though you don’t really want her back.
7. Apologize profusely and tell her how much you’ve changed. You’re laughing on the inside as you say this to her, because you know none of it is true. But if you can make her believe in you again, if only temporarily, you have one foot through the door. And you can’t let that door be open to any other guy.
8. Tell her, “I just want to be friends.” Yeah right. Nobody really wants to be “friends” with their ex. What you really want is her company, and the chance to sleep with her again.
9. “Like” and comment on every single one of her Instagram pictures. Leave comments like, “I remember when we went here…” or, “Love making you smile ;)” better still, “You’re so beautiful, I’m a lucky man.” You have to mark your territory, even though she’s no longer yours. Become the king of cock-blocking. These dudes don’t need to know she’s on the market.
10. Keep in touch with her family members. Be pleasant. Be kind. Be everything you weren’t when you were dating her. You want them to like you, and to mention your name when they talk to her. “Whatever happened to so and so? He was such a nice guy.” That’s your goal.
11. Show up at her apartment and wait for her. If all else fails, and she is still ignoring you, just wait for her at her apartment. She can’t refuse you in person. And if she isn’t home, try again tomorrow. Persist and persevere.