First of all, to me, a hipster is not really a definable thing. It’s a collective of anyone or anything that tries hard to not be mainstream whether ironically or not which then eventually becomes its own typical group of predictable trends. Regardless, I’m okay with you doing you — “hipster” or not — so if you really want to ride a tricycle wearing Warby Parkers and a bowler hat while cruising through Carroll Gardens in your red meggings from American Apparel, you go, Glen Coco. But please don’t begrudge me for not fitting that mold and being perfectly happy about that.
1) I don’t want to live in Brooklyn.
I’ve thought about it. Since half of my friends live there, maybe it would make sense. But then I realize — hey, I like the convenience of Manhattan. Sure, rent is absurd, but it’s seriously not much cheaper in the BK, and in Manhattan, if I need to stop at the Container Store (because who doesn’t), it’s a quick walk away. My doctors are all in Manhattan. I like my doorman building. I like having huge chain stores at a stone’s throw in case I need to buy something super mainstream. My work is in Manhattan. I’m lazy enough. I don’t need to put a river between me and my office. I give props for anyone who lives in BK and it has some amazing spots, truly, but it’s just not for me at this point in my life.
2) I enjoy shopping at popular corporations.
While I totally appreciate thrift stores and the unique finds you may stumble upon, it’s just not my thing. I like easy online shopping. I like Asos. I like H&M. I like Food Emporium to get mainstream foods like Lean Cuisines and Doritos (I may need to get new eating habits, I know this, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT, GUYS.) I’ll give you props for finding cool vintage stuff at SalVal but I’ll probably be doing it in my H&M sweater and Seven jeans, and I hope we can all hold hands and still be friends.
3) I wear glasses unironically.
Guys, if you think I would wear glasses if I wasn’t a clinically blind disaster, you’ve got the wrong gal. I have been slowly going blind since the 4th grade and therefore am required, probably by law, to wear glasses/contacts so I don’t, you know, kill people. While your lens-less oversized glasses really frame your face nicely, I wear these thick-lensed nightmares/pay $100 every 3 months for contacts because I have to. And trust me, if I didn’t, I’d never touch a pair of Ray Bans again.
4) I don’t really want to bike everywhere.
I own a bike. It’s sweet. I love the occasional bike ride in the spring. But I don’t see it as the sole form of acceptable transportation. Sometimes I take cabs. Sometimes I take the subway. Basically, I take whatever is most convenient. Maybe that makes me an environmental criminal but I just don’t feel every excursion needs to be an Instagrammable eco-friendly adventure. Also, have you ever tried to lock a bike up before? It literally takes me 72 minutes. Mainly because I bought the bulkiest lock on the market and I have yet to figure out our relationship and I’m also not the handiest person ever, but still. You don’t have to lock up a subway, okay?
5) I like mainstream movies.
I fully intend on seeing Oz. I loved Silver Linings Playbook. I’m probably going to see the next dumb Will Ferrell comedy that comes out. Have I seen independent films at independent theaters? For sure. They were great, too. But it’s not a requirement, and sometimes I love seeing the next big hit and actually knowing what the hell is going on during the Oscars. Basically, if I see a preview and it looks good/funny/scary/interesting, I’m on board. Maybe I have low standards, but I’m on board with that too.
6) I’m a carnivore.
I’m a 20-something girl, and one of my favorite meals is a medium-rare cut of steak (preferably filet) with bernaise and a glass of red wine. Sure, it’s a heart attack on a plate, but let’s not get off topic. Do I know that the meat industry needs to fix some shit? Of course. I’m not claiming to be the most politically-correct eater. But I’m a carnivore and I can’t help that. I have no interest in being a vegetarian, vegan, pescetarian or any other -tarian. I’m sure there are health benefits and I know it’s done wonders for many people, but honestly, I can’t do it. I love steak. I love pulled pork. I hope we can talk through our differences (over a burger).
7) Sometimes I enjoy the top 40.
I have one of the widest ranges of music tastes out there. Right now, on my Spotify playist, I have music from Lady Antebellum, Lindsey Stirling, N.E.R.D., Imagine Dragons, 2CELLOS, Grace Potter & the Nocturnals, Natasha Bedingfield, Esthero, Taio Cruz and Fitz & the Tantrums, among many others. Some mainstream, some lesser knowns. And who cares? I went to a Fun. concert 2 weeks ago. Loved every minute. I’ve been to the majority of Britney Spears’ concerts (when she could dance). Also loved every minute. Why do our music tastes need to define our character? I listen to different music depending on my mood, some popular artists, some not — and I’m ashamed of none of it. In fact, there’s a Justin Bieber song that I’m totally into right now and I’m also not ashamed of that (okay, maybe a little). In general, though, I don’t look for bands no one’s ever heard of to be different or unique. Let’s all just listen to what we enjoy and end the judgment!
8) I work at a huge company.
I work in advertising, at a company with over 10,000 employees. I have benefits, and sometimes I have to wear business suits to meetings (not often). I work in a large building in Manhattan. I use Outlook for emails and politically correct business jargon in said emails. I make a lot of powerpoint decks. I don’t feel the need to work at an independent eco-friendly start up based on Park Slope in order to feel validated. It would probably be cool and fun but I enjoy what I do, I make a decent living and I pay my own rent. I’m proud of my career and I hope everyone can say that, too — no matter where you work.
9) I use a PC.
I am actually terrible at Macs. They confuse me. I am 27. I feel like I should be better at them, but I’m just not. I use an HP laptop, both at home and at work and I love it. It’s easy for me to organize, and I can right-click on shit. Macs are beautiful and sleek and I can appreciate their aesthetic but they’re just not the right computer for me and I hope you guys will consider not ostracizing me, a content PC-user, from your social gatherings.
10) I still watch (and thoroughly enjoy) Friends.