I Can’t Hold A Cup Of Coffee Without Thinking About You

Sunday afternoon found me sitting alone in the corner of the coffee shop we used to spend our time in together, rather at ease. Or so I thought.

I ordered my usual pick-me-up: a regular-sized matcha green tea latte and a sliver of blueberry cheesecake so as to get me through another week. Perhaps it’s a bit foolish of me to have gone back there, what with all the memories the place has for me, and the recollections I have yet to put behind me.

I still go back to the spots where we used to lay, where you’d lie down in my lap while I stroked your hair and painstakingly counted your eyelashes.

I still visit the places where we used to meet, hoping one day if the fates would allow, I would run into you again. Maybe I’d ask you how life has been treating you, and subtly say how you look beautiful. Apparently, all that time apart would have done you well.

Maybe there’s still a part of me that wants you back. Perhaps not now, God I hope not. I’m a mess and most days I look hideous. I can’t even take off my sweatpants for crying out loud. I can’t eat right, and my appetite has gone crazy. I think I may have lost a little weight, but the burden of letting you go still haunts me to this day.

Maybe until now, I still wonder how your day goes. I think about all those times when we would wake up next to each other with our bodies intertwined, when not even a ray of light could pass through us because we were so close together. You weren’t a morning person, but your face just lit up when I roused you with a kiss and a cup of coffee.

Coffee.

It’s funny how caffeine played an important role in our lives. How it used to liven up our loneliest days. How it used to be our go-to drink whenever we would snuggle and watch a movie while covered in sheets. How it unknowingly led us to each other’s hearts.

Oddly enough, I’m using coffee right now as a distraction. To divert myself from your charming face. From your radiant eyes that held me captive for God knows how long. From your luscious lips that stole my heart the first time I laid my eyes on you. From the entirety of your being. From you, my love.

How strange it was, having gone back to the coffeehouse where we first met. Maybe I wasn’t there to run away from you. Maybe I didn’t return to get you out of my system. Maybe I longed for the warmth of your presence once again.

Maybe once and for all, I just wanted to go back home.