Screw It, I’ll Eat A Horse
The internet has been blowing up with evidence that many restaurants across America and Europe have been using horse meat in their dishes. Ikea and Burger King have been at the front lines of this battle, prompting many of their loyal customers to swear off any and all meat dishes in order to avoid this galloping gourmet catastrophe. In a recent interview with the Ikea, Sweden’s beloved furniture/meatball shop released this statement:
“Based on some hundred test results that we have received so far, there are a few indications of horsemeat. We are now, together with our supplier and third party experts, reviewing how we can reinforce routines to avoid similar situations in the future.”
The general population have expressed outrage to the recent findings and, after a South Philly restaurant started advertising an interest in adding equine to their menu, they were met with harsh reactions from the public — namely this one:
“You guys start cooking horses, I am going to blow up your restaurant.”
After a night of careful deliberation and a rigorous boxing match between each direction of my moral compass, this writer can say with absolute confidence: Fuck it, I’ll eat a horse. Yeah, I’d do it in a second. I see it like this: I put so much terrible food in my body that, at this point, my stomach has grown as immunity to the worst kinds of bacteria present in low-grade meat, spoiled eggs, regular plutonium, or whatever. It’s like that scene from “The Princess Bride” where Westley drinks iocane — except my iocane comes in a neatly wrapped yellow package within a Happy Meal.
For those ready to jump at my throat for admitting such a barbaric act and eating the treasured pets of children all over the world, let me retort by saying this: do you really think horse meat is the worst thing you’ve ever eaten? Among the plethora of grade F meats that are, undoubtedly, nestled within the snug hamburger patties and meatballs of our favorite restaurants, you should consider equine on par with the finest truffles earth has ever grown.
Horses are part of the animal group that have been de facto deemed “too cute to die” alongside dogs, cats, and kangaroos. They provide a service to many people: acting as non-mechanical arresting units for police officers, means of transportation for homosexual cowboys, and prized racing competitors to the rich, drunk, and rich-drunk. Horses helped America grow, bringing scores of people across the country to colonize and found new states. They are a beloved creature and should not be killed, right? Wrong. Racist. Let’s talk about cows, goats, and pigs. Are these animals worth nothing to you, America? Are they useless because they move slower, look dumber, and incessantly moo or bleat?
If you’re going to demonize the slaughter of one animal, demonize the slaughter of all animals. You see, America, I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy. I don’t share, I don’t do open relationships, and I’ll eat whatever is put in front of me. Now obviously, I always advocate the humane slaughter of animals, but also realize that it is a factor far beyond my control. I’m all about buying local and even once totally considered giving money to Sarah McLachlan when she made me feel badly about all those sad puppies.
Look Europe and America, if you’re going to sell horse meat, just do it. Set the same protocol as beef, pork, and poultry, just don’t be all sneaky about it. I refuse to believe the bigwigs behind Ikea knew nothing of the horse meat that had been going into their food. Had they advertised the meat with a huge display and a ton of umlauts, would there have been as much controversy? I’m thinking no.
Regardless, I stand by my decision: if it’s not going to give me worms or kill me, I will willingly put a horse in my mouth.
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2. Your middle school French teacher.
Depression is a shape-shifting, ever-present monster.
Take a day somewhere between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve when feelings really begin to feel forced, and acknowledge your raw emotions for what they are, both good and bad. Make a toast to your survival.
1. If your child suggests that everyone in his family hates him, don’t reassure him of your love. Instead tell him to wish for a new family.