OkCupid unleashed their newest app upon the world this week, which blocks out users’ profile pictures, cock-blocking millions of hopeful singles across the world just in time for Valentine’s Day. The “Crazy Blind Date” app forces people to ignore their standards and meet face-to-face with someone compatible based on their hobbies and interests. YUCK. Below are the dates you’ll all be going on this Valentine’s Day
1. The Date That Immediately Goes Badly
I firmly believe in soulmates and the idea that there is one person out there for everybody. It can be a beautiful thing when those two people finally cross paths. Alternatively, I also believe in counter-soulmates — the idea that there are two people specifically designed by a higher power to never meet. Like Hitler and his Jewish art teacher or Rihanna and Chris Brown. When these people get together, it releases a wave of uncomfortable so pungent that everyone in the vicinity becomes affected. Luckily, this theory extends into the dating world! You set eyes on your date and immediately hate everything about them: their hair, their voice, their name. They feel the same about you. The night is rife with awkward silences, disagreements, and boredom. Out of politeness, you stick it out for the hour you’ve committed and then get the hell out of Dodge once you two have had enough.
2. The Re-Run
Based on countless episodes of How I Met Your Mother and Sex and The City, I’ve learned that it is possible in a city of 8 million people (or otherwise, pending you don’t live in Manhattan for some reason) to go on the same date twice. With the inability to scope out your date’s face beforehand, your chances of going on a date with someone you’ve already gone on a date with has skyrocketed! At least you’ll be able to bond over hearing their favorite movies and TV shows — because you already know them! Just hope beyond hope that they either don’t remember you or are cool enough to play along and experience this date for the second time in a row. Before the date lets out, just remember to try and remember why you never called them again. Survey says: they’re boring or have scabies. Or they’re boring with scabies.
3. The One-Sided Love Explosion
An even worse, and statistically lower, fate is that you’re going to meet someone you instantaneously fall in love with. They’ll be everything you want in a lover: kind, generous, funny, likes Back To The Future, feeds orphans. They’ll be absolutely perfect and they’re going to think you’re scum. Sorry to throw it all out there, but there’s a huge chance that the person you’ll fall head-over-heels for won’t remember your name by the time dessert is served. You’ll laugh at their every joke, pine over their dreamy eyes, and offer to pay for the entire date/their rent. As beautiful and arrogant as you may be, there’s always someone more beautiful and more arrogant than thou — and guess what, they wouldn’t have gone out with you had they gotten a chance to snoop your pictures. Bummer city.
4. A Distant Relative
The night is going swimmingly. You saw the new Ben Affleck/C.G.I. Ernest Borgnine movie and loved it. You took a romantic walk down by the pier and rubbed hands sort of, and you ended the evening with a heaping bowl of gelato served by a man who was probably once in the mafia, but changed his way for his love of frozen dessert. It’s beautiful, it’s perfect, so you lean in for a kiss…and notice their earlobe. That’s weird — it looks just like your earlobe. Half-attached with a dark discoloration. Your mom has the same deformity, and your aunt, and her aunt. You make some light conversation and she tells you that it runs in her family. You’re taken aback and mention that it also runs in your family as well. You both shrug it off and kiss. But the kiss is weird…it’s like being licked by your dog or accidentally seeing your dad naked. You investigate more. Her family has the same Christmas traditions as yours. Your grandparents grew up in the same village in Russia. Everything’s the same. BOOM. You just kissed your second cousin. Now she’s pregnant with your mutant child. You’re going to have to name him Sloth. Look what you’ve done, OkCupid. You maniac! You blew it all up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
5. The Really Unsubstantial Date
Worse than all of these fates is the mediocre date that inevitably leads to nothing. At least with heartbreak, you have a story to tell. You can learn from an awful date and know what not to do again. But with a mediocre date, you just have a waste of a night. You go see the new Matt Damn/Guy-who-plays-Elmo movie and sort of like it, you lightly laugh at each other’s bad jokes at dinner, and you take a boring stroll down by the pier. You don’t have a bad time, but you don’t really have a good time. You’re compatible, sort of, but not compatible enough. She’s not attractive enough in your mind to make a move, and she feels the same about you. Out of habit and politeness, you go back to her apartment and have some C+ sex. You both fake orgasms, feel obliged to get brunch the next day, make small-talk, and never see or hear from each other ever again. The unsubstantial date often leads to missed fun opportunities with your friends, like laser tag or cow-tipping.
6. The Fugliest People On Earth
As a good friend delicately put it, “only fugly people are going to use that shit.” I can’t help but agree, as “Crazy Blind Date” will be a platform for America’s messiest, smelliest, and crustiest to finally get some easy ass. They’re going to amp up their online profiles to appear as if they’re cultured and fabulous. Their list of favorite movies will be packed with classics like “Casablanca” and “Citizen Cane.” They’ll quote J.D. Salinger and Kurt Vonnegut at every possible opportunity. And their favorite music? Bon Iver. Always Bon Iver. Only beautiful people like Bon Iver. In your eyes, they will appear to be a diamond in the rough. How could I have not seen this person before? They like prosciutto and geocaching, just like me! Then, as your date stumbles in, reeking of Bud Diesel and old fish you’ll realize it’s all a ruse. You’ve been had. And guess what — they think the same about you. Because you’re also ugly.
And I only say “they” over “us”, because I am a perfect human specimen. Jelly?