My (30) Irrational Social Phobias Will Destroy Me Before They Destroy You
By Jeremy Glass
1. Being lured into dancing by someone’s mom
2. Maintained eye contact
3. Droplets of urine on gray pants
4. The best blowjob ever coupled with the worst need to poop ever
5. Forgetting my own name
6. Being pushed into the tracks of an oncoming train by a celebrity
7. Accidentally climaxing to an image of my dad
8. Lying about seeing a movie to a friend who then asks you to tell them how it ends
9. Forgetting the words to a song and having everyone notice and laugh
10. Thinking of an awesome rap and then immediately blanking when it’s your turn to rap
11. Failed hash tags #bonerwreck
12. Accidentally calling your friend the name of their deceased relative
13. The best text message ever with the dumbest typo ever
14. Being told to put your cell phone away by a supervisor and having them notice you’re blushing
15. Getting asked what you’re eating when you’re chewing on ice and the subsequent explanation that follows
16. Comparing a friend a famous actress who you’ve forgotten has gotten super-fat
17. Meeting an Albino black person and desperately trying not to ask them what it’s like being black and Albino.
18. Accidentally using words like “oriental” or “mulatto”
19. Thinking it’s cool jacket weather when it’s industrial wool coat weather
20. Talking to a girl I like who mentions her boyfriend, then I mention my boyfriend, when in fact I’m a straight male
21. Making a joke about duck rape to someone who doesn’t know about the phenomenon, or was raped once
22. Having an itch on my nose and then noticing there is a hair in my mouth directly after
23. Getting a friend request by my boss on Facebook
24. Spilling a soda on a new friend’s computer
25. Asking for a sip of someone’s drink and then sneezing it all out on them
26. Eating the garnish
27. Trying to explain Twitter to an impoverished child who’s just lost their family to war
28. Jumping into a pool and splashing water on your friend’s dad’s camera
29. Accidentally eating a very hungry person’s dinner
30. Being woken up in the morning by a phone call, getting asked if they woke you up, lying about it, and then being asked if you just lied
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
By Larry Hardin
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
By Rob Fee
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.
By Meg Beyer