September 7, 2012

The 6 Kinkiest U.S. Presidents

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​Oh, America — the land of opportunity, freedom, and incredible sexual misconduct. In our 300-ish years as a country, we’ve been led by some incredible, heroic, men. Men who’ve saved the country from evil outside forces, men who have upheld our constitution, and men who could only be described as kinky sons-of-bitches. The amount of intercourse the White House has seen is, as expected, vast in its quantity — it’s the QUALITY of sex, followed by the sheer bizarre nature of the men behind it that make these six former presidents legendary.

1. Lyndon Johnson

Mr. Johnson was the successor to the late John F. Kennedy and, in becoming president, decided to one-up the guy in all of his famous womanizing ways. For starters, Lyndon took great pride in his penis, nicknaming it ‘Jumbo’ and often whipping it out in public. To add insult to injury (injury, in this case, being the sight of the old man’s dong), he would ask people if they’d ‘ever seen anything bigger than this.’ Lyndon’s kinkiness came from his love of voyeurism, whereas he thoroughly enjoyed making himself and ‘Jumbo’ a spectacle. Johnson was also a fan of making passes at women, usually in front of his wife, and would often remind the women he harassed that he was the president and had the power to do so. With his love of his penis combined with his predatory ways, Lyndon Baines Johnson was officially an old, kinky, motherfucker.

2. Calvin Coolidge

While on the quest for information on the sexual misdoings of former presidents, one name kept popping up in numerous places. Calvin Coolidge. And the fact that kept popping up alongside Coolidge’s name? That he loved having Vaseline rubbed on his head during breakfast. The truly remarkable thing is that there is zero information on why the 30th president enjoyed such a strange and kinky act. After a long query on Google (with safesearch off) I dug up a message board chock full o’Vaseline lovers. After much debate, I realized that the kink involved from the act comes from the very power of the act itself. Imagine being in a position where you could, at the drop of a hat, have someone lube up your head without a choice. In the mid-1920s, that’s about as kinky as a lifetime subscription to Brazzers.

3. John Tyler

John Tyler holds the record for being the first man to become president upon the death of a former president, as well as the record for the most sexually active president in history. John Tyler did some serious work in the White House — and I’m not talking about the 1844 Treaty of Wanghia – he fathered 15 children with two different women in his 71 years on this planet. While most men are reaching their sexual peak anywhere from 18 to 22, John Tyler fathered his last child at age 70. I know people younger than that who’ve given up on masturbation. John Tyler had a lot on his plate when he was hoisted into the presidency; a country on the brink of war, the annexation of Texas… to keep all of your thoughts and energy on sex means the man must have enjoyed it a hell of a lot. Either way, it payed off — Tyler still has living grandchildren to carry his name and, more importantly, his love of intercourse.

4. Warren Harding

Harding lead a rather unconventional life in the White House; he would often play poker with his friends, chew tobacco, smoke cigarettes, and serve bootleg whiskey to his guests (all during prohibition era, too). To further indulge his vices, Warren would also sneak off in the middle of the night to watch burlesque shows. Harding’s kink comes from his firm grasp on his vices: tobacco, illegal booze, and naked ladies? What else could a man ask for? Oh right, he also used to have sex with his mistress, Nan Britton, in a closet of the White House. Years after his death, over 100 letters of a romantic — and erotic — nature were uncovered between Harding and Britton. Ah, Harding, he would have sexted if he were alive today.

5. Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson, nicknamed “Old Hickory,” was the 19th century’s answer to Ron Swanson. He was a tough-as-nails, old-fashioned son-of-a-bitch who loved himself a good fight to the death and spent the last few years of his life with a bullet lodged next to his heart. Sure, he will always be remembered for his diehard pro-slavery, anti-Indian ways, but it is often overlooked that he once invited prostitutes to the White House’s annual Christmas ball. Even though the invitation of the notorious prostitutes was sent in jest, the ladies of the night responded seriously and were ridiculed upon their arrival.

6. Bill Clinton

The grand imperial wizard of kink himself, Bill Clinton shocked the nation with his illicit affair with 22-year-old intern, Monica Lewinsky. Clinton reportedly had nine sexual encounters with the former intern, though apparently none of them resulted in sexual intercourse. Nine times and no sex? That kind of tomfoolery ends in your first year of high school. If you calculate that the time spent on a blowjob is, on average, 20 minutes, that means Bill Clinton’s penis was in Monica Lewinsky’s mouth for at least three hours total. Bill Clinton’s blowjob-escapade was the tip (just the tip) of the sexy iceberg as more facts began to trickle out about the affair. The best, and kinkiest story involved two rooms in the White House. The first room contained Yassir Arafat and the second contained Bill and Monica in a state of undress. While Yassir awaited Bill’s arrival, Monica reportedly masturbated with a cigar while Clinton watched and beat off alongside her. Gosh, the amount of rules broken in that scenario is mind-boggling, yet shockingly arousing. While Bill lied about the nature of the affair, you could tell the guy was pretty goddamn sure that he loved getting his johnson waxed. TC Mark

image – Ralph E.W. Earl
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