A Modest Proposal For Preventing Poor People From Being A Burden To The Rich And This Country

Hey guys. I have a problem.

I’m a good citizen, I speak proper American and I pay the taxes I have to. Lately, though, my TV has been full of people whining about their lives. I didn’t buy my flat screen TV to see poor people in high resolution. Give me back some Katy Perry, amirite? This is a free country, and I have the right to hear only what I want.

American Idol got interrupted today, and that’s when I said to myself: this has gone on for long enough. And God knows -Congress- isn’t going to do anything about it. Even I know that. It’s time to get things under control, get some real American brainpower on solving this problem, and reclaim our TV screens. Who’s with me?

See, I’ve been thinking about these complaints, and you know what? These people are clearly exaggerating. They say that the current minimum wage of $7-something isn’t enough to live on. C’mon guys, don’t be so dramatic. What do you need to live, some food and a house? There are some American cities that are putting hard-earned tax dollars towards growing fruit trees in parks. Anybody complaining about food prices in these cities are clearly just too lazy to pick their own food. Maybe we should be teaching them the health benefits of apples, not discussing minimum wage. And housing? Seriously, how much does a tent cost anyways? I saw those Occupy people who insisted on living in the street, even when our good government tried to get them back to their houses. They were clearly fine with it then, why are they getting so uppity about rent prices now? The problem is pretty simple when you look at it this way.

But I understand that there is more to this messy situation. It’s not about money; it’s about feeling valued. And that’s another reason why my proposal is so great: it highlights and celebrates every person’s intrinsic value. Nobody deserves to feel ashamed when they’re working full time. Nobody deserves to be told they’re not worth it. It’s absolutely barbaric, and it must be stopped.

So now, I humbly present, my modest proposal.

The US economy’s performance has been lackluster this previous quarter, but do you know which sector did well? Consumer spending. Do you know where, more specifically? Hospitality, leisure, and retail. Much of the recent job growth has been in restaurants, and this, for some reason, makes people all sorts of angry. They say that high-paying jobs are being replaced by low-paying jobs. They clearly don’t see opportunity when it’s staring them in the face.

You know what I see? I see an industry responding rationally to growing demand with a large base of consumers willing to pay for good food. Willing to pay a -lot- for good food. A sushi bar in New York City can charge $450 for a couple plates of raw fish. They don’t even cook it. A couple bites of Kobe beef will sell for $200. These are not signs of a failing economy that needs to worry about minimum wage. To me, these scream of opportunity.

What earns a restaurant Michelin stars? Great food. What makes great food? Great ingredients. What does our economy need? A way for poor people to earn money. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Clearly, we should be eating the poor people.

Just think of the possibilities! Right now, they’re griping about raising the wage by $3/hour. In the food world, just a slab of thigh could go for a couple hundred. One healthy adult could make over 200 meals. We’re not talking a couple dollars here–we’re talking thousands!

It just makes so much sense. A huge factor in the price of a dish is the rarity of its ingredients. Human meat is the most rare ingredient of all–in fact, I know of no restaurant that offers it so far. That is a huge market to be tapped.

Finally, there’s all this talk about income inequality and wealth redistribution. Communist talk, clearly. Under my proposal, the market, not the government, would move money around–which is as it should be. I think it’s fair to say that human meat will be rather expensive, and who are the ones who can afford to eat it? The wealthy 1%. It only makes sense for them, who already consume the majority of American resources, to get dibs on this one as well.

The benefits of my proposal don’t stop there, though. As this scenario plays out, the restaurant industry will have an invested interest in the quality of their meat. Cows destined to be Kobe beef are pampered with massages and wine daily. With the influx of capital under this business model, restaurants will be able to treat their live meat the same way. Not only will wages increase, but quality of life will skyrocket as well! And remember what I said about recognizing every person’s intrinsic value? Under my proposal, nobody will feel ashamed or devalued again. In fact, every person currently complaining on my TV screen about low wages will be recognized and celebrated for what they are worth–as delicious meat for the wealthy to enjoy.

This proposal addresses so many problems and is clearly the optimal solution for this situation. So please, stop talking to me about other methods, like closing loopholes for the wealthy so more money can be spent helping the poor, or revising loan policies so students don’t graduate in debt. For the former, it’s clear that every cent of the $450 per hour paid to the top 1% was hard earned, and they deserve to keep it. They truly do work 45 times harder than the average American. For the latter, it’s those students own faults for not paying back their loans, and we are Americans. We are not a nation of handouts.

And especially, especially don’t talk to me of raising the minimum wage. I told you already, people can pick their own fruits and live in tents. They don’t need more money.

This is America, people. We don’t need paid vacation, we don’t need health care, and we don’t need minimum wage. Now, can I get back to my TV show?