My phone vibrates and shakes me from this wine-induced sleep. I glance at that familiar pattern of numbers currently displaying on my screen – of course it’s you. I deleted your number months ago, but I still remember. My bedside clock reads 3:02 AM. I think for a fleeting second that I should answer it, that maybe you’ve changed your mind. Maybe you’ve grown up, maybe you’re ready to commit. Maybe you finally decided that you want to be with me, and only me.
But probably not.
My bedroom feels cold despite the unseasonably warm April outside and the blankets I’m curled up under. Every time he’s finally far enough out of my mind that I can glimpse happiness, can think of someone else, he finds this way to pull me back in, to keep me wondering – does he want me back? Like an addiction, I fall back into the memories, into the feeling of amorous euphoria, of young love.
But I deserve better. I deserve someone who will not only pay attention to our relationship, but someone who adores it, treasures it. A man who treats me as a priority, not as a 3 AM last resort. Someone that doesn’t break their promises, but makes them freely. A relationship that wakes up my senses and frees me from the unhealthy toxicity of my lingering past.
My phone stops vibrating as the call ends. I go to your phone number, scroll to the bottom of the page and exhale deeply as I press ‘block.’ I’m quitting this addiction cold turkey. I’m breaking free of these chains.