Americans love to hate the Cheesecake Factory. It’s like there was a meeting that everyone except myself knew about where it was decided that the country slanderously unite against America’s greatest chain cafeteria. But I don’t get it. First, we need to understand that the restaurant is called the Cheesecake Factory — not Val’s Vegan Vegetable Valley. If you’re seeking a quinoa ball wrapped in kale you should probably slide off of the ridiculously comfortable booth and attempt to find a dictionary-sized menu elsewhere. Those who are still committed to the challenge of gluttonous and excessive gorging, keep reading.
Timing is everything
I suggest attending The Cheesecake Factory after a particular time period of extreme fasting. Think Passover, Ramadan, Lent…, a killer hangover? If you start to feel faint while waiting for your table, feel free to bring a few saltines or almonds.
Don’t be afraid to drink before
Some wine or a few pregame shots will only heighten your overall experience by dulling the florescent glare that otherwise overwhelms a sober Cheesecake Factory outing. The wait will seem less grueling and the alcohol will only increase your stomach’s need for lard and 1,000 calorie salads.
Avoid the Skinnylicious menu
If the word “Skinnylicious” should ever come out of your mouth, you shouldn’t be sitting at the Cheesecake Factory right now.
Do not order dressing on the side
If you decide to dabble into the 15-pound pyramid salads, it is best to avoid asking for dressing on the side. For the ideal Cheesecake Factory experience, you want your salad smothered in 3 gallons of mayonnaise, mustard and a hint of fresh herbs — allowing for the perfect ratio of saturated fat to greens.
Ask for those “Crunchy Things”
Almost every Cheesecake Factory entrée comes with a side of crunchy, stringy things. But just in case they forget, it’s important to remind the server of the crunchy, stringy things. Through my experiences, I have concluded that the crunchy, stringy things are twice-fried onion rings. Meaning a fried, fried onion.
Napping is OK
It can be very difficult to consume such proportions without taking breaks. Cheesecake Factory has conveniently installed magnificently plush, 10-foot-long booths so that you can lie down whenever possible, after your Louisiana Chicken Pasta.
Order the Red Velvet Cheesecake
A wise sensei once advised me to order this gem, and by doing so, he revealed one of the legends told behind Factory walls. The Red Velvet slice is in fact, a quarter of a full cheesecake, with only three thousand calories more than a normal slice. I have heard rumors that the Reeses Pieces slice falls under this category as well.
Don’t be ashamed
Outside the Cheesecake factory is a world of ignorance and judgment. Inside is a world of happiness.