100 Dealbreakers (If I Were A Woman)
1. If he spends a lot of time on Facebook
2. If he says Annie Hall is his favorite Woody Allen movie
3. If he does not have a job
4. If he uses more lotion than me
5. If he uses lip balm, at all
6. If he blogs about what it feels like to be in love
7. If has not read Richard Yates, the novelist
8. If he pronounces Yeats as Yeets
9. If he has a cat
10. If he believes the Bible was breathed by God
11. If he tweets yoga wisdom
12. If he identifies as a member of an art collective
13. If he’s been on OkCupid for more than two years
14. If he has undefined reasons for not eating meat
15. If he does not love Aaron Paul with a beard
16. If he never closes his eyes when we kiss
17. If he makes really intense eye contact during sex
18. If he calls me names (pet names ok)
19. If he lies about small things
20. If he kisses with too much tongue
21. If he never kisses with any tongue
22. If he tells me how great he is at giving head before we have sex
23. If he has a sour smell
24. If he has a sweet smell
25. If he says that college was the best time of his life
26. If he debates what the meaning of rape is
27. If he always reverts the conversation back to himself
28. If he laughs through his teeth
29. If he has to be high to have sex
30. If he wants to go swing dancing
31. If he is more than 10 minutes late to the first time we meet
32. If he doesn’t get along with his mom
33. If he gets along with his mom too much
34. If he’s never had his heart broken
35. If he uses the word ‘perf’ instead of perfect
36. If he says that Family Guy is his favorite TV show
37. If he has to be touching to fall sleep
38. If he uses internet slang to the point of indecipherability
39. If he purposefully waits to return text messages
40. If he is cold, physically
41. If he laughs too loud
42. If he talks too soft
43. If he wants to be treated poorly to earn affection (not in a bdsm way)
44. If he is really into BDSM
45. If he is really into OMing
46. If he has to drink every night
47. If he thinks getting drunk makes someone an alcoholic
48. If he corrects people’s grammar when he is not being paid to do so
49. If he does not understand the difference between good and bad writing
50. If he writes listicles for the internet
51. If he posts poetry on the internet ever
52. If he talks extensively of exes
53. If he smacks his food when he eats
54. If he wears organic deodorant
55. If he brushes his teeth with organic toothpaste
56. If, after the age of 20, he dated high school girls
57. If he believes all women should keep their legs shaved
58. If he believes body hair is important
59. If he posts selfies anywhere, at any time
60. If he believes in the healing powers of kombucha
61. If he conflates traveling with being cultured
62. If he likes cuddling more than me
63. If he wears sandals anywhere other than the beach
64. If he dresses better than me
65. If he wears black dress shoes with jeans
66. If he wears suit jackets with jeans
67. If he says he’s my type before we meet
68. If he has ever used Plenty of Fish
69. If he has ever used EHarmony
70. If he has ever used Match
71. If he has ever used ChristianMingle
72. If he only texts after 11 at night
73. If he can’t lift me
74. If he’s shorter than me
75. If he will only eat ‘certain foods’
76. If he’s gluten free
77. If he thinks being gluten free is a made up thing
78. If he cries a lot
79. If he says crying is for pussies
80. If he talks about other women a lot
81. If he thinks polyamory is tenable
82. If he cannot allow, even the idea of, more than one love in a lifetime
83. If he doesn’t change the toilet paper roll
84. If he says the word “right” before making a statement
85. If he says “huh” even though he hears me
86. If he doesn’t appreciate 90s R&B
87. If he lives with his parents
88. If he ever tells me to work out more
89. If he knows a lot about Joe Rogan
90. If he does a comb-over or a push-forward (unless he’s Justin Vernon)
91. If he leaves toothpaste residue around the bathroom sink
92. If he compares me to other women
93. If he lives in the suburbs
94. If he has over 10,000 tweets
95. If he says he wants to write a novel
96. If he goes to raves
97. If he has ever been a dj
98. If he can’t love someone more than himself
99. If he can’t say what he’s feeling
100. If he doesn’t have a car (outside of NYC)