1. Diva Flower Girl.

The four-year-old flower girl wanted to walk down the aisle with my wife. Wife said no. Said kid then threw flowers on the floor and stomped down the aisle.

2. The Little Candle That Couldn’t.

Our “unity candle” failed to light from our two individual candles. After somewhere between 10 seconds and eternity, the priest coughed loudly and made a “move along” gesture. We left the unity candle smoldering, but unlit. Married 25 years, we still have the candle, never lit since.

3. The Tears Of A Mother-In-Law.

My new mother-in-law wept because we didn’t use the engraved toasting goblets she bought for us (and hadn’t told us about).

4. No, No, No Chicken Dance.

The band played hokey pokey and chicken dance songs even though we expressly asked them not to.

5. Someone Got A Bit Too Thirsty.

A relative of mine drank so much that an ambulance had to be called to make sure he did not have alcohol poisoning. Also, the reception was in the multipurpose room of a Catholic school. Great times.

6. Late Night TV.

Wife got the flu. Thew up at the reception. Took NyQuil and passed out. Spent wedding night watching late night TV.

7. Beautiful Boobs.

I was so entranced by my wife’s breasts that I zoned out while we were doing the “I do” part.

They had to yell my name a few times before I snapped out of it and it was all caught on film.

8. The Magistrate From Hell.

The magistrate called me by my husband’s ex-girlfriend’s name three times during the ceremony, and then made a crack about taking each other off life support. I had “unplugged” my mom a couple of years prior.

That guy was the worst.

9. Either The Veil Came Off Her Head Or…

My wife’s veil got caught on a pew and tore off her head. Everything was like slow motion for a minute…

10. Suing Everybody In The Place.

Daughter’s wedding. The official who presided got drunk, and ran his car into the catering truck. He claimed he was injured, and that the catering truck ran into his car, and sued the caterer, the venue, and those paying him.

11. From Black To Grayish Purple.

Wedding photographer was shit. Charged us $1500 and gave us 3 usable pictures. My family is black and the way she edited the photos makes us look grayish purple. I brought this to her attention and her way of fixing it was putting a Sepia tint on the entire picture. Thanks. We demanded a refund and got one but not til after we threatened small claims court and posting bad reviews.

She didn’t post any of our pictures to her blog or portfolio cause she knew they were bad but insisted we didn’t deserve a refund. Bitch.

12. Snoring At The Wedding.

We had a very small ceremony of about 30 (my mom had cancer and we wanted to keep it simple). My grandpa snored through the entire thing while my grandma hummed tunelessly. It was amazing. All the guests from the other side thought there was something wrong with the air vents. Oh, I also forgot the ring. Oops.

13. Mommy Dearest.

I have an on-off relationship with my mother. I invited her to the wedding last minute as I had uninvited her months before. Without going into too much detail, there were a bunch of events that happened in which my selfish mother caused drama and wouldn’t acknowledge she did something wrong, she really believed she was right! So the day of the wedding, we did the father-bride dance and the mother-groom dance. My mom got angry because there was no dance that involved her. I even had a couple guests comment on how angry she looked and how she was being a downer to anyone she talked to. I had to explain there is no such dance at a wedding but she sat there, pouting and looking angry. When she was leaving I asked if she had a good time, and she said “so-so.” That was the tipping point for my husband so he reamed her out and told her to get lost.

14. The Party-Pooper Bus.

We rented a party bus to take the wedding party from the church to the reception. It broke down halfway there so we dubbed it the “party-pooper bus”.

15. No Food For The Bride And Groom.

We had a buffet style dinner. The food workers didn’t save myself or my wife food, so we didn’t get to eat the entire night, but holy shit were we drunk.

16. Feeling Hot Hot Hot.

Not my wedding, but when my buddy was getting married he almost fainted during his vows. He turned to the crowd and asked his mother for water. His wife-to-be didn’t make a big deal out of it, after all it was +40C outside and no air conditioning in the church.

17. The Cake Lost A Hand.

The wedding cake topper fell off while they were moving our cake and the hand of the groom snapped off. Which was funny because I was born with only one hand.

18. When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go.

My sister-in-law drank two bottles of champagne by herself and ended up pissing her pants.

19. No Photos For You.

Not my wedding, but my parents’. The videographer/photographer showed up to the wedding, but never sent them the footage. They tried to get in contact with him but all he said was that it was on it’s way. 22 years later and they are still waiting.

20. Chivalry Is Dead.

I was in a wedding early March and it was snowing like crazy when we were taking pictures. The bridesmaids mentioned that it would make a cute picture for the men to give the ladies their jackets. The guys all said that it was too cold and let the ladies stand there in sleeveless gowns and open-toed shoes. Those bastards.

21. A Sudden, Gay Marriage.

It happened ten months early, without any of our family there, in our work clothes.

Gay marriage in California was once again allowed, and as we didn’t know if it would be permanent or not we went and got married as soon as we could that first day. We just celebrated our one year anniversary.

22. Cracked In The Head.

My step son, who was 7 at the time, was climbing on the coat rack at the reception and fell off and cracked his head on the cement floor.

23. Twitter Shade At The Wedding.

The bitch who took it upon herself to criticize the wedding via twitter, as the wedding was happening…I was following her.

Don’t invite twats to your wedding.

24. A kind friend, lending a hand.

Jewish couple here. Somebody (me) forgot the glass to break. Alcoholic friend stands up, downs the rest of his drink and brings one on stage.

25. A Dress Disaster.

Some drunk idiot stepped on the back of my gorgeous wedding dress breaking the clasp and zipper sending my dress falling down. I wasn’t wearing anything underneath. They had to sew my dress back onto my body but it broke again and I ended up changing. I was pissed.

26. Broken Foot? Who Cares.

The wedding went off without a hitch. However, while dancing during the reception (after the first dance with my wife) I stepped on a bit of table decoration that had made it’s way onto the dance floor. That’s when I broke my foot. Thankfully I had enough alcohol in me that I shrugged it off and walked around on it for the rest of the night.

27. Nothing.

Nothing, because I didn’t have a wedding. My husband and I eloped. Best decision I’ve ever made.

28. Damn Car Alarms.

Got married outside and a car alarm went off during our vows.

29. Ouch…

No one objected. :(

30. Something about Helen Keller.

My dad accidentally said “I take you Helen Keller…” instead of “Helen” when he married my mom. He was nervous and it just popped out. She won’t let him live that one down.

31. CATFIGHT.

Wife’s cousins got in a legitimate fistfight, broken up by one of my groomsmen who, as a result, needed to wear his jacket for the remainder of the evening to cover up the bloodstain from one of the combatant’s broken nose.

32. And The Bride Is…

Apparently the Reverend we went to the first time (to elope) didn’t realize that we were both Men.

It was fine, just kind of awkward when she asked where the bride was.

33. Mexican Food.

Not mine, but a relative’s.

Groom and Best Man had eaten bad Mexican food the night before.

Limo ended up parked on the side of the highway for 35 minutes while 2 men in tuxedos were shitting in the woods.

34. Gary The Snail.

The preacher kept calling my husband Gary. His name is Greg. Like, every time his name came up he said Gary. I don’t know why, he knew us personally, wasn’t an older guy, I guess it just slipped his mind…Years later and our friends still meow at him (like Gary the snail in sponge bob).

35. Almost Too Crazy To Believe.

Went to a wedding where the mother-in-law punched the bride in the face.

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