I Don’t Watch Any Of The TV Shows You’re All Talking About
I will tell you I watch a show just to shut you up. I am lying. I have not watched anything.
I only watched the last five seconds of The Sopranos; the show seemed too dark to me. I’ve never seen a single second of The Wire. I’ve never seen an episode of Parks and Recreation; I already have a Tumblr dashboard. I’ve never watched the British version of The Office; ours is better because America. Peep Show? More like poop show. The IT Crowd’s premise is too small. I don’t do period pieces — sorry Downton Abbey and anything else on PBS.
The “favorite TV shows” section on my OKCupid profile is blank.
I didn’t have HBO or Showtime growing up so they still feel like a luxury I can’t afford. Also, I’m poor and these channels are luxuries I can’t afford. I don’t know what channel AMC is. I don’t like FX because I think it might be connected to FOX and I don’t want to support their corporate family. CBS shows are the worst things on the planet; I have plenty of ways to kill braincells on my own, thank you very much. Speaking of, I’m usually too drunk on Thursday nights to watch any of NBC’s good programming. Is that still the night that is supposed to be good? Does TBS still have that frog? Wait, that was WB. Are they the same thing? Does TNT show anything other than procedural dramas? I hate procedural shows. I think I might hate cops. I hate Cops.
USA used to show Walker, Texas Ranger and that Kung Fu show with the guy who killed himself masturbating. I have no idea what they show now. Does Spike show things other than UFC fights and Bond movies? Comedy Central should bring back Dr. Katz and stop doing roasts. Does MTV still do Real Worlds?
I haven’t seen Breaking Bad; well, I saw one episode and it looked like bro TV. Also, 24. I’ve sat in too many rooms with people who watched Lost to have wanted to watch Lost. Justified looked stupid in the trailers; I refuse to believe it is not. Dexter is silly. I keep telling myself “this is the year I go back to the beginning and get caught up on Mad Men and join the world.” This wasn’t the year.
I don’t think Arrested Development is funny or ground-breaking. No, I will not watch Entourage with you, or Friday Night Lights because I am a girly man … or because who cares? Did I mention how bad CBS shows are? I won’t watch Game of Thrones until he finishes those fucking books.
Two years ago, I moved to an apartment that didn’t have a TV. I’ve never owned one, only mooched from roommates. I just stopped watching TV. Then I moved to New York eight months ago and had a TV again, but the DVR sucks and I can’t figure it out and I don’t care. I work from home, so the TV stares at my all day, lifeless. I’ll turn it on for Netflix or sports, never for “television programming.” So why do I still know things about TV? GIFs.
Things I think I know about TV:
There are at least four “Housewives” cities. There are still “top” chefs, models, cupcakers, crab fishers, truck drivers, tattoo artists, dancers, voices and idols, and we need to find them. You can be an asshole and people will like you, as long as your show is on Bravo. Brooklyn is now a place people make TV about; Brooklyn is wildly ambivalent about this. Cartoons are still the place to turn for well written comedy. CBS is not. We still like watching other people win money. We also like watching people in rehab. Big winners and big losers.
Is the Biggest Loser still a show? Do we still like watching fat people? What about dating shows? Is Flavor Flav still on the market? Is Weeds on Season 13 by now? Did Bones and David Boreanaz ever get together? Is that one show where the guy puts on his sunglasses and they throw to The Who still on? Isn’t Mark-Paul Gosselaar a lawyer on something? Does UPN still exist? Is Telemundo still showing sexy ladies getting chased around by short fat guys in silly hats? What’s Tom Green up to?
You know what? I really don’t care.
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At first, the silence of my life was nauseating and noticeable.
John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963. Some controversy ensued.
While living in Milan I developed a strong addiction to coffee. I blame the Italians. Damn you skilled barristers and your exceptional coffee beans!
Will it feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone? Will the peacefulness of those words still floor me from thousands of miles away?