Some days I have to remind myself that not all sins are worth forgiving.
Maybe it’s in the atmosphere, or maybe it’s just me—but I have been so much of the optimist that I am. A little too much. I have been so caught up in the idea that there is always a brighter side to everything, to the point that I became too considerate, too forgiving to the people around me. A stranger spilled coffee over my notebook just now, just before I wrote this.
I halfheartedly smiled at her, trying to swallow down the surge of annoyance impending to surface from within me. I can barely manage to hide my emotions, sulking over my lovely notebook full of snippets of my poems. And then it hit me.
It is in every little thing that happened to me.
It is in every stained shirt, in every unreturned pen, in every unsolicited opinion, in every broken promise, in every pain afflicted on me. I don’t know if I have become more merciful or the world just got more wicked. I must have become too lenient lately. I grant clemency way too easily to the people who don’t deserve it. Or the world must have become too wretched lately. They violate me too much on a regular basis, to the point that I don’t care anymore.
How many times had I actually brushed off the fault done to me? How many times had I actually received an honest apology when I am offended?
Perhaps I could only count those graceful moments in my fingers. And the sad thing is that I have learned to just accept things as they are. I have accepted the fact that people will always, always do me wrong and I can do nothing about it. I have learned to live with their misdeeds and believed that it is the normal course of life—people breaking other people, asking for forgiveness and then doing it again and again. It is an endless cycle.
And so some days I have to remind myself that not all sins are worth forgiving.
Maybe it’s in the atmosphere, or maybe it’s just me—but I have realized that there are kinds of sins that one can’t just forgive. Sometimes “forgive and forget” just won’t work because seriously, forgiveness doesn’t work that way. We should stop desensitizing ourselves. Go ahead. Unchain your inner demons once in a while. Let yourself feel the extremity of your anger and disappointment. We should stop romanticizing forgiveness because let’s face it—you and I, we are just humans after all.
There is madness and resentment deep in our souls. And it’s okay. It’s human nature to feel vindictive when people do us wrong. There is nothing wrong in embracing our primitive instincts. We should let go of all the hypocrisy and pretension we are living in. Go ahead. Unleash your anger and stop being a hypocrite to your own emotions. It is normal. It is innate. That feeling is ours. It is mine.
Stop saying it’s okay when it’s not. Stop giving your mercy away so easily as if you have all the goddamn mercy in the world. It’s about time we stop tiptoeing around other people’s feelings just because we want to save them from the pain—all at our expense.
Believe me you’re not doing them a favor in doing so. You are just teaching them that their feelings come above yours. And honey, it’s not. It’s never that way. Please know that you are your own gift. Don’t let other people push you around. You deserve better. Stop forcing yourself to accept their half-assed apology. You don’t need it. I don’t think that we have to accept their useless excuses all the time. Maybe we should just have faith. Maybe that would be enough.
Forgiveness is not something you do in force. It does not easily come to someone because good things don’t really come that easy. It takes time for beautiful things to blossom just as a flower takes time to bloom on its own. And it is liquid—it comes when it comes and it doesn’t when it doesn’t. It flows on its own. You can never force forgiveness, else it will all be a futile effort to redeem one’s self from her sins.
Some days I have to remind myself.
Not forgiving is recognizing the wrong that other people do and knowing that I don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Not forgiving is accentuating the fact that I am human, I have every right to feel anger and disappointment when I am offended.
Not forgiving is finally putting myself above others and walking straight ahead, once and for all.
So the next time someone spills coffee on my happy notebook, maybe I can stop suppressing my irritation. Maybe I can show her a little bit of annoyance and then from there, I can move forward. I will own my grudge and because I own it, I can let it go.
Some days I should not forgive others—just so I can forgive myself.